"Do you like being a dad?"

"Do you like being a dad?" Apollo asks randomly, while I am driving down the road.
"I love being a dad! I love everything about it. It is my favorite thing that I have ever done," I reply, glancing over to read the expression on Apollo's face.
"What do you like about it?" his eyes staring off to the horizon, not really focusing on anything in particular.

   These words have echoed through my mind ever since Apollo uttered them; 

"What do you like about (being a dad)?" 

I have spent many hours road biking these past few months, and I often reflect on my conversation with Apollo. I think about all the things that I love about being a father. I think about all the sacrifices. I think about the hard times, the scary times, the sad, and the happy.
  To be sure, my life has been altered by my children. While they do not define me, I am defined by who I am because of them. Everything I do, is for them. Every decision that Melanie and I make, is based on weighing the pros and cons of how it will affect our children. Their happiness and well being is my first priority. Everything else is secondary.

Sometimes I feel guilty that I may have had kids for my own personal pleasure. They are a constant source of entertainment for me. I am always laughing because of them. Wrestling with them. Teasing and tormenting them. Our bedtime routine resembles a WWE free-for-all. (This just might be very displeasing to Melanie.) The way I see it, I have but this one life, this one moment, this one chance. I want to enjoy every second that I can with these little guys since they are growing up too fast!

I cherish the uniqueness and individuality between Apollo and Orion.

Orion's eyes tell a million stories. He wears his emotions in them. I can read him like a book most of the time. It is one of the things I will miss most about him at this age. He is so full of excitement and my heart melts every time I walk through the door and he screams, "DADAAAAAAAA!"
His questions and concerns are very different than Apollo's, as is his personality. Orion is more concerned with negotiating bites of meals or doing chores in exchange for a treat or a toy than he is about how I feel about being a father, yet he values his one-on-one time with me above any treat I can offer him.

Apollo is in tune with nature and loves all that he can see and feel around him. Everything living is sacred. Orion is more of an empath. he feels from the heart. He fears the dark, fears being alone, and dreams of death.

"Dada, I had a dream and in it, you died," he tells me,"but when you die, will I be able to see your ghost?" I am not the only one to be killed off in his dreams, so its not that unnerving. It is sometimes his mom, his brothers, random planes full of people crashing, boats sinking. Although it is a rather macabre subject, it does lead to interesting conversations that I never would have imagined having with a 4-year-old.

If I gather all these moments, these conversations, personality traits, the laughter, the tears, the sickness, the success, the failures, and bundle them up into a giant treasure chest, this is what I like about being a dad. I teach, I learn, I share, I give, I receive, I sacrifice, I love...I feel loved.

~ ~ ~ ~

After relating to Apollo many of the things that I love about being a dad, he sat quietly for a while thinking before finally breaking his silence.

"I don't know if I want to be a dad," he begins with a kind of solemn look on his face, "What if my baby comes out retarded?"

Wow! Seriously? What 7-year-old worries about this? It left me speechless for a moment.

"Apollo, when you were in mommies tummy, and we went to the doctors for a check up, they asked us if we wanted to do a test to see if you might be at risk for being born with down syndrome," Apollo looked at me surprised, "Without even having to thinking about it, your mom immediately told the doctor that the test wouldn't be necessary, that we would love and keep our baby either way. It made my love her more."

Apollo smiled as he pondered my answer.

 "I have friends that have children that were born with down syndrome and they all say how fortunate and blessed they are to have those amazing kids in their lives. They see them as a gift, not a burden," I added.

"But I wouldn't know how to take care of a kid like that," he replied.

"I didn't know how to take care of a kid like you," I say sarcastically, which makes Apollo break into laughter. "You cant go through life worrying about the 'what if's'. You take your chances and deal with what comes your way.We learn along the way."

"So, you learned how to be a good dad all by yourself?" Apollo asks in earnest, giving me the greatest compliment I have ever received without even knowing it. With a lump in my throat, I grin from ear to ear.


Yes, I like being a dad.

Orion turns 4

3-years-old is one of my favorite ages and this past year did not disappoint. Your excitement, curiosity, and passion for life came shining through. You are amazingly bright and inquisitive.

Life is an adventure to you. You have given me a fresh perspective in life when I look at the world through your eyes. You love to laugh and you have the best laugh I have ever heard. I tickle you just to hear it. It is one of my guilty pleasure.

 

At times you are fearless. You trust your mom and I so deeply, that you won't hesitate to try something new if we are there to encourage you. You have mastered the rock climbing walls (thanks to your mom) and look for any opportunity to climb something, just because it is there. You are strong for your age...you always have been. While you could easily use your strength to hurt your friends, your brother, or our pets, you choose to be gentle, kind, and caring instead.

  You love anything that flies; rockets, jets, planes, and helicopters. The airport is always a treat for you. You yell in excitement whenever we drive by in the car, or pass by on our bikes. You are the first to hear and spot a plane or helicopter when one flies over. Every toy you have, you give the ability to fly. Its one of my favorite things about you. You never tire of asking about things that fly, and I never tire of telling you about them.

  You want to be involved in everything that goes on around you. You are the best helper. You vacuum all on your own, help with the dishes, laundry, picking up your toys, and even help me work on the cars or our bikes. Its never a chore to you. You just want to a part of the team.

  I love how social you are. You love your friends and value them. On occasion you are shy with new adults, but will always engage them when they talk to you.

You love to wrestle, run, and act wild. You are all boy at heart and you like to play hard. Still, on long walks or hikes, you want to sit on top of my shoulders. When I get hot and sweaty, you affectionately tell me that I am "melting" while you wipe the sweat from my shaved head.

  Orion, you represent all the things that are good in this world. You add so much to our family. You are balance, light, and warmth. You are a light in the dark, a breath of fresh air, a warm breeze on a sunny spring day.  You are our tropical beach baby and hate the cold (a kid after my own heart). You love to snuggle and tell me regularly, "dada, I want to hold you."

  Your smile brightens even my darkest day. When you look at me or when I hold you, I know that I am loved. I am proud to be your father.
Happy 4th Birthday Orion!! I love you!

Apollo turns 7

7 years...it seemed only moments ago when I held you for the first time. So tiny, vulnerable. At that moment everything changed...everything. I am amazed at the person you have become and are evolving into everyday. I've watched you grow and learn, try and fail, then try again... and succeed. 

I watched in wonder and amazement as you explored the world around you and embraced it. Your love of all things living gives me hope for the future. You asked me just days ago if plants feel pain as I clipped a flower from a bush. You were concerned for the well being of the plant. You caught a crane fly in the house and let it go outside, picked a bug up from the patio and put in a plant so it wouldn't get stepped on. 

  You love math and you are so good at it. You like to be challenged with numbers and math problems  that make you have to think...what 7-year-old does that? You are so inquisitive, introspective and bright. 

  

  You are very funny and a constant source of laughter and entertainment for me. You love to laugh and have my sense of humor, much to your moms chagrin. 

You are all the best parts of me and your mom. You challenge me everyday to be a better father and a better person. 

I am thankful  and proud to be your father, and I am blessed to have you in my life. Never change. Never stop learning. Never stop caring for the world. Never stop laughing.

Happy Birthday Apollo! I love you!

Love Triangles

I am powerless to her. She calls to me...beckons.  Her voice is soft and soothing. She smells divine; her fragrance ever changing. Her skin glows, reflecting every color in the rainbow. She is mysterious, powerful, every changing yet unbending in her resolve. When I am without her, I long to be with her. When I am with her, I yield to her will. I am part of her, and she is part of me.

  It is this earth, my home. She is my escape. I feel so fortunate that we live in such a beautiful place and can readily enjoy all that she has to offer. I am constantly in awe of her. When I am out riding my road bike, jogging, hiking, or on my mountain bike, I am just blown away by all the splendor and beauty that surrounds me, and it is all right outside my door. Spring time is absolutely incredible here. The wisteria are in full bloom and the smell that permeates the air is intoxicating. As I run or ride my bike, I try to identify all the different flowers that I can smell, often picking up on their scent without ever seeing where the smell is coming from. There are of course, flowers blooming everywhere; both wild and domestic. I am a very visual and sensory type of person so this time of year, spring-time, is borderline sensory overload for me.

  I have come to ponder what makes us love or fall in love with people, places, things. I watch Apollo and Orion. I see some things that are hard wired into them, others learned, or nurtured. Apollo has always had an intense love for all things living. He sees no difference in the life of a snail than that of his pet chickens. He wont throw a leaf into the fire if it still has green on it as he is not convinced that it is completely dead. He will catch flying insects in the house and take them outside and let them go.
  Orion loves his "things". He values his toys, especially flying toys, and often needs to take an entire fleet with him to bed. He values his relationship with people, I think more than any of our other boys. He loves the girls and is a huge flirt. He is our little helper and wants to be involved in everything that we do; cooking, cleaning, working in the yard, on vehicles, etc...he just wants to be apart. My favorite moments are when he says, "Dada, I want to hold you," his arms reaching up to me. When I scoop him up into my arms, he will tell me to go sit on the couch with him, and then will announce to his brother, "Apollo, I need some alone time with my dad." Few things are more rewarding.

  Apollo is nearly 7-years-old now. He has his best friend; Xavier, his love interest; Desea, and his supporting cast of his brother and various other kids that frequent our home. It is funny watching the interactions between the kids. It gives me insight into what they will all be like as young adults. It is funny to see that even at 7, they really aren't that much different than 17-year-old's. The best friend and the girlfriend both competing for time, attention and status.
  "I've known Apollo since I was 5!" Xavier starts.
 "Well I've actually known him longer because I knew him when I was 4!" Desea snaps back.
 "No you haven't"
 "Yes I have!"
 "I know him better than you because he is my best friend!"
 "I know him better because we are getting married!"
Apollo's allegiance swings from one friend to the other; sometimes taking sides of the best friend, other times taking the side of the girlfriend. It is somewhat entertaining to me watching them all get fired up over this topic and watching Apollo try to deal with and balance out the friendships. Someone always ends up getting upset or their feelings hurt, but in the end, they are all playing together. Who knew that this behavior starts at such a young age?

  Orion does not have the love triangle problems yet, but rather sees everyone as his best friend while he is playing with them. He has mastered the art of manipulation however, and often plays his mom and I off of each other, knowing if one says "no", the other might say "yes". Of course if we both say "no" the last one to say it, breaks his little heart. I try to make Melanie out to be the bad guy when I can. "Mama is mean to me!" tears, crying, the whole works. I get to scoop him up and console him, and get to be the hero...never mind that I told him "no" first!
  Once in a while, Orion pulls it off. He has learned that if one of us tells him "no", as long as he doesn't tell the other parent what the first parent said, he might get his way.
One evening, Orion was in the bath with Melanie, and climbed out before her. He came into my room with a towel and his pajamas, and told me he was ready for bed. I dried him off and got him dressed.

"Dada, can I have some chocolate milk," he asked very sweetly. I did hear him ask his mom while they were in the bath, and I assumed that she told him "no".
"What did mama say?" I asked.
"She said yes."
"Are you sure?"
"She said yes to chocolate milk!"
"You know we don't do chocolate milk at bed time, Orion."
"Yes we do!" tears start forming, "But I'm hungry and mama said yes!"
We did have a big day after all, and Orion did not eat much dinner so I decided that I would indulge him.
"Okay," I said, and climbed out of bed, "I will get you some chocolate milk."
I returned a few minutes later with a sippy-cup of chocolate milk, and handed it to a very happy little boy. I climbed in bed with him and grabbed my lap top. As he lay there next to me contently drinking his milk, Melanie got out of the bath and entered the room.
"Orion! I told him he couldn't have any chocolate milk. It's too late!" Melanie snapped, looking at me knowing full well that I knew better.
Of course I acted surprised and trying to look as serious as I am capable of looking, began to scold him.
 "Orion! why did you lie to me!" I said with my best scowl on my face (this was mostly for Melanie's benefit), "You told me that mama said "yes"! Why would you lie to me!"
His big brown eyes were locked on mine as he continued drinking from his red sippy-cup, now half full, his head snugly laid back in the pillow. He did not even show an ounce of concern for what I just said, nor did he show any remorse.
 Slowly, he pulled the sippy-cup from his lips and with a stone cold, straight face said,
"It's opposite day."

  

500,000 gallons

  There is a place where giant oak trees are silhouetted by the a pastel painted horizon. The sky shedding its last light of day. The trunks and branches, naked, twisted, and majestic. The clouds are dashed across the sky in a lacy network of gray with intense highlights of crimson, orange, salmon, and chartreuse against a deep blue backdrop.

This place, may not be all that extraordinary. It may not even appear as nice to others as it does to me, but for me, I am all about the sensory experience. In this place as I watch the pallet of creator unfold before my eyes, I slip into the greenish-blue, warm, and inviting, glowing pool of water before me. Yeah, maybe it is just the swimming pool at our club, but in this moment, it is paradise.
It is not only the beautiful sky, or the warm water, nor the quiet serenity of a weekday winters eve, but it is that time stands still here: No phones, no computers, no tv, or any other media. Just me, my boys, and 500,000 gallons of warmth all to ourselves.

  The water is steaming in the cool evening air, and Apollo and Orion are laughing, splashing, and climbing all over me. I have a smile on my face that won't go away. This is our time; our random school night in the pool. Melanie soon joins us, and the moment reaches perfection. No incoming text messages, no emails, no Facebook...nothing to distract any of us. Our muscles ( Melanie and I) are  typically sore, and the warm weightless feeling is a welcomed reward. This is our post workout treat and for Apollo and Orion, it is pretty much the best night of the week.

  I find that it is all too easy to become distracted these days. The years are screaming by at an ever accelerating pace, and for me the moments that I find are the most rewarding is the time I spend with my family. Apollo and Orion are growing like weeds! Apollo weighs in at 57 lbs and is 49" tall and lost his first tooth on February 5th. He is so skinny right now and actually lost nearly 2 lbs since Christmas (due to colds, eating less, and increased activity level).Orion weighs 38 lbs and seems to have grown a couple inches overnight. He can now stand in the 3' end of the pool and keep his head above water.
"Orion," I tell him, noticing he is taller, "I can't believe how big you are getting!"
"I am bigger," he replies, "but if you want me to stop getting bigger, you have to stop feeding me." The wisdom of a 3-year-old.

I have found that what my boys value most of all is my time. They just want me to be engaged with them no matter what it is that we do. It can be as simple as reading them a book, sitting with them on the couch watching Polar express for the 40th time, pulling them 37 miles on a bike ride, or playing with them in the pool. It means the world to them...and to me. I am making a conscious effort this year to put my iPhone aside, stay off my lap top more, and to just get out and spend time with them. My guilty pleasure is biking and if it means that I have to pull them all around Sonoma county to indulge them and my passion, then I will do it.

  Apollo is really in tune with how I spend my time. He makes sure that I balance out any individual interactions with him and his brother. As a 6-year-old, the world is swirling around you so fast and time is judged only in one day increments. I get nightly bedtime reports from Apollo on how I am doing; "Dada," he says with deep concern, almost whining, "How come you never play with me anymore."
"What are talking about Apollo?" I ask very surprised, "I always play with you."
"Yeah, but you tickled Orion for a really long time, and you didn't tickle me, and you always play with him more in the pool," he replies solemnly, "I want you to make me laugh."
"Ummmm, don't you remember why I was tickling Orion?"
"No, you were just tickling him and you never tickle me anymore!"
"Apollo, I was tickle-torturing you when Orion jumped on me so I started tickle-torturing him while you escaped and ran away," I explained, "Do you remember that?"
"Oh yeah! I forgot," he says with a sigh, one hand twirling his hair as he recalls the interaction, staring blankly at the ceiling, "but you tickled him longer so I want to make me laugh right now."
You can imagine with what ensues next, but how it always ends is...
"BOYS! It doesn't sound like you're going to sleep!" Melanie shouts from the other room, moments later appearing in the doorway. "Apollo needs to go to sleep! Why do you always have to get him riled up like this at bed time?"
"I don't know what you are talking about," I reply arrogantly and dripping of sarcasm, " I was just trying to calm the boy down."
To this Apollo bursts into laughter.
"Out!" Melanie demands which is really more of an ultimatum than a statement.
"Good night Apollo," I climb to my feet and head to the door while Melanie's look of disapproval pierces the semi-darkend room.
"Good night dada," Apollo yawns pulling the covers up as he rolls on his side, "I want to go swimming again tomorrow."

Maybe Christmas...means a little bit more

How did the holidays come and go so quickly this year? It's all kind of a blur. One minute we were gearing up for them, the next, they were over.

I truly love Christmas and everything about the season. I mean to say that I could do with out many of the commercial aspects of Christmas, but I love the lights, the decorations, the trees, the smells, the desserts, the movies, and yes, even some of the music. We avoid the malls, and stay out of the stores as much as possible. We don't have cable tv, so we don't have to see all the advertisements. It's kind of nice actually; it gives us the ability to make Christmas into what we want it to be.

I think about how the winter would be without the holidays; so dark and dreary, nothing to look forward to but the spring time which seems so far away. Its a great distraction and when the holidays are over and we can put away the decorations, the shortest days are behind us and spring doesn't seem to be so far off anymore.

  For me, the true magic of Christmas comes from the excitement emanating from Apollo and Orion.
Apollo started counting down the days until Christmas somewhere in the middle of November. He started out by asking (everyday) how many days until Christmas. After a few days of that, he kept track for himself and he would remind me daily how many days were left.

For several years now, I have just selected a tree on my own and brought it home. This year, Apollo (and Melanie) wanted to be a part of it. It started with a phone call from Apollo while I was at work.
"Dada, when are you coming home?"
"Hmmmm, I'm not sure. Why?"
"Because I want to go get a Christmas tree...and mama and Orion want to come too!"
"Okay, let me clean up and I will be home soon."

How could I argue with that? I race home and am greeted by two excited little boys. Orion races up to me and asks, "Are we going to get a tree?"
"Yes we are!" I reply enthusiastically.
Orion looks up at me, eyes wide, and begins shaking his head from side to side, "I don't have a tree," he says solemnly.
"Then lets go get one!!"
"YAY!!!!" Both boys yell in unison while jumping up and down.

Fast forward to Christmas eve (because it felt like fast forward to me!); Apollo and Orion are incredibly excited and wound up. All day, they asked about Santa and his reindeer. Apollo asked about the correlation between Christ and Santa and Christmas, which led to some great conversations.
We Skyped with Uncle Gooch, Aunt Kim, Yiayia, and Papa over in Switzerland, and Uncle Gooch told Apollo about Schmutzli, (a Swiss Christmas icon) Santa's dark helper that carried the naughty kids off to the woods. Apollo was very disturbed by this and wouldn't accept that Schmutzli was real. Of course I teased him about it all day.

 Apollo spent hours watching the NORAD Santa tracker on my computer. He watched as Santa flew over Africa, and Europe, Greenland, Iceland, and South America. Every few minutes he would check the computer to see where Santa was.

As the night closed in, we set out some treats for Santa, some carrots for the reindeer, and then got ready for bed. As I tucked the boys in, I read them the story of How the Grinch stole Christmas. They have heard the story before, but this night they were really listening. They asked many questions. I love the message of this story by-the-way, and Apollo really wanted to understand how after all their presents were stolen, why the "Who's" still sang and celebrated Christmas.

Orion asked one last time, "When is Santa coming to our house?"
"Tonight! but he won't come until your asleep!"
"When you see him, can you tell him that I want a rocket, a plane, and a jet," his face was beaming.
"If I see him, I will tell him!"
Orion closed his eyes tightly, grinning from ear-to ear. "Dada," he says, eyes still closed and a smile still on his face, "I'm smiling because I am thinking that Santa is coming here!"

'Maybe Christmas doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas,' he thought, 'means a little bit more.'

In the frosty air

The air is cold...bitter cold. Each breath stings as I inhale, then turns to a heavy fog when I exhale. Even 5 1/2 years removed from this place is not enough to make me miss the sub-freezing temperatures. Still, Bend holds a special place in my heart. I met my wife here. Apollo was born here.   I made some of my best memories here.

I anxiously make my way to the front door of a house that my GPS has led me to. Apollo and Orion are as excited as I am, or even more, if that is possible.

"Ring the door bell Orion," I say to my three-year-old, as he reaches for the button then pulls his finger back hesitantly. Reassured, his little finger presses the button. The muffled sound of a door bell, rings from the inside of the house.

"Answer the door!" I hear a voice that I remember well, calling out to her kids, "your cousins are here!" I can here the clamoring of little footsteps making their way to the door.

The door swings open and two young boys are staring out, their faces lit up with nervous smiles. Apollo and Orion are smiling nervously back at these two, vaguely familiar, strangers. Its been a year and a half since we have all seen each other. Apollo remembers everyone, but is still a bit shy and acts coy. I scoop up each boy and hug them, as I step into the house. They giggle and are a bit apprehensive of me. Linkin is certainly too young at 3 years old to remember me, however 7-year-old Kingston does. He makes a comment about my shaved head no doubt remembering that I had hair the last time he saw me. I haven't even made my way to Kaitlin (whom is now 16) or Michelle and Aaron, when the 4 little boys scurry off together to play. I was surprised that there was no "warm up" period. They acted as if they see each other daily.

It was good to be back home.

There may not be any blood relation between any of us, however, Aaron and I spent the better part of a decade working side-by-side for 8 to 10 hours a day, often working out of town and sharing a hotel room. On weekends and evenings, our families typically hung out together for dinner and fun times.
You either learn to love or hate someone if you spend that much time with them. 
Aaron and I became brothers. We had some of the best times together. We shared some hard times...and somehow we survived the dull day to day workload by solving the worlds problems.

One of the hardest things about picking up and leaving Bend in 2009, was leaving behind Aaron and his family. I had just assumed that our kids would grow up together, like cousins, that we would continue to work together, invent the next "must have" item that would afford us notoriety and an easier lifestyle. The down turn in economy forced my hand though, and things changed. We did what we needed to do to survive, to provide for our family...we made some hard decisions. "Regrets, I have a few" (just to add a cheesy cliche song lyric in there).

 I often think about how our lives would be different had we stayed in Bend. Would we have had Orion? Would I still be installing tile? So many questions. But then I think of all the positive things that we have had happen here in California. So many adventures, warmer climate, different scenery and lifestyle. I am thankful for all of it.

                     The compromise is that we now have to travel
to see loved ones and family. There is always too little time and we always feel rushed. I think this is the hardest part for me; trying to balance time with everyone that we love. Alas, we do what we can, when we can. I wish my boys could grow up with cousins, both blood and chosen. But for now, I will settle for short visits and long road trips.

After just 40 hours in Bend, an afternoon of playing in the snow with the boys and their cousins, staying up until well after mid night two nights in a row, it was time to get back in the truck and make the 470 mile drive back to Santa Rosa.
  Misery certainly loves company and we enjoyed the company that we kept when living in Bend. Wishing we could spend a few more days, we solemnly headed for the highway. We passed by our old house on the way out of town. Apollo asked if we could move back to our snow house. After contemplating our answer of "No, we cannot," he asked, "Can we come back at Christmas then? I want to play in the snow again with our cousins."
  If it were only that simple. Until next time.