Out with the old, in with the new

Energy: A unit by which to measure hyperactivity in children. 

On the energy scale, I would have to say that Apollo and Orion float somewhere in the neighborhood of 7 on most days but push a 9 out of 10 for a couple hours per day with the occasional red line of an 11. The ramp up to christmas was nothing short of an overload. Even amongst all the chaos, I believe this was the funnest Christmas thus far, for Apollo and Orion. They have been counting down the days since Thanksgiving. The last 10 days, the Grinch paid nightly visits to stir up a bit of trouble, if only to see if the boys caused his heart to grow 3 sizes that day by doing good deeds. If so, as a reward, little presents were left behind. Our Grinch was very creative I might add.
  This only amplified the energy level each day until it peaked on Christmas eve and Christmas morning. This is what makes the holidays worth it for me. That level of excitement makes the house feel alive! The smell of a fresh cut Christmas tree and Greek cookies, lights and decorations, and the laughter of Apollo and Orion, made the holiday picture complete.

Thanks to Amazon, eBay and other online e-tailers, we can pretty much avoid the malls and the stores, and this makes the holiday that much more pleasant for me. I love the excitement and the spirit of the holidays but can really do without the crowds at the stores. For me, it is all about quality family time and enjoying each others company. Melanie and I were able to sneak out and celebrate our 11th anniversary at The French Laundry, which was an amazing way to finish the year! 

For my own reasons, I am glad the year is over. Don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed nearly everyday of the holiday season, with the exception of 2 days spent crammed into the truck driving to and from central Oregon for Thanksgiving. It's just that this year seemed like each day was a battle to make it through to the next day. Everything was an uphill battle. It has just been an enormous amount of work. Moving on to our next big adventure starting at the 1st of the year, has been a 2 month long process of angst, anticipation, and waiting. Now that the "process" and waiting is over, I was able to unwind and relax for the New Year holiday and enjoy my family.
  Looking back, in spite of the struggles, we really had an epic year and I wouldn't replace any of it. Melanie and I completed 2 Ragnar Relay Races together; Napa Valley and Southern California. Melanie did a half marathon, and I did a metric century bike ride and also completed the Levi's Gran Fondo. I hit 3,001 total miles road biking.
  We sold the mini van and bought a Jeep Wrangler. We camped, we hiked, and we explored new places. We made some great new friends along the way and got reacquainted with some old ones.
  We made the most with what little we had to work with this past year and we really hit most of our goals and even exceeded some of them. 2016 promises to be a whole new adventure for us. New challenges and new goals await and we are ready to meet them head on.

For this life, I am Thankful

  I could complain about the bitter cold mornings, the short days and long nights. I could lament that summer and spring went by too fast. That we didn't take that epic vacation we had hoped for. Or the fact that everything we accomplished took way more time, money, and effort to achieve than it should have. But the truth of the matter is, I am thankful for every trial...ever day that we had to go out and earn it...every hurdle, every obstacle, every mountain. Because looking back, it was all worth it. To look at 2015 on a calendar, it was one crazy, packed, epic year thus far, and promises to finish with a bang.
  I cannot have anything but gratitude for my life. I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams. A life full of love, laughter, goals, achievements, hardships, and victories.
  I am thankful for a beautiful wife that can cook, bake, craft, and create, and then run 8 miles like it's nothing...often doing all of this in the same day.

  I am thankful for my amazing sons; they make me laugh every day. Their youthful perspective on life is refreshing and invigorating.
  I am thankful for my step sons and the men that they are becoming.
  I am most thankful that they are all so healthy and strong. That is a true gift and something I do not take for granted in the slightest. Every morning when I awake, I am glad to be alive and give thanks for my family and their health. I am grateful that I get to spend another day with such an excellent group of individuals and get to call them my family.

 I am thankful for the friends that I have made this year, and the rekindling of some old friendships...Ragnar...what can I say? I'm still laughing. Twice in one year, 200ish miles running, crammed in a van for 32+ hours with 5 people as crazy as me (crazier)...Twice!!

  I am thankful for my love of cycling and for the ability to do it, not to mention a wife that supports my cycling addiction (within reason). A year ago, I would have never even considered riding Levi's Gran Fondo (101 miles, 9,600' of climbing) and yet in May, I decided to do it and pushed my self beyond my limits for 4 months... and did it.

  Yes, we trained. We trained a lot. It brought Melanie and I closer, gave us some great memories together, and in the midst of it all, I think we are setting a great example for our boys on how to train, to be active, and have a good time doing it. We have taken them on short runs/walks, cycling, hikes, and adventures. On warm days, we try to finish the day off in the pool with them. There is so much beauty in this world and so many ways to enjoy it. That is the lesson we are trying to teach them.

  With the cooler days, and long cold nights, the vineyards have given way to autumn. I ride the back roads through the vineyards, redwoods, and oak trees. I shut out the world around me and and embrace the sights, sounds, and smells. It's my reset button. With all the bad in the world, I try to focus on all the good in my life and the beauty that surrounds me. I find my peace and tranquility. For this life, I am thankful.

The Garden and the Gruffalo

I've been there: the edge of the world. or at least at the edge of the sky. Time frozen. Quiet. Still. I felt alive. Connected...yet alone. I felt at peace.

  Maybe it was a series of moments lost within the space of time and rolled into one grand memory from so long ago. Make no mistake, it was and still does remain very real for me; those surreal moments when skydiving - where everything is simply... perfect! Not the jump necessarily, nor the people you are jumping with, nor the place...just that perfect moment when you realize that life cannot be any better.
  I revisit these moments in my mind quite often, typically while meditating. Not due to some form of nostalgia really, but because of the amazing feeling and outlook on life that I felt in those moments. From 12,000' above the ground, in free-fall or under canopy, there is no race, color, creed, religion, gay, straight, politics, hate, anger...there is just life...that moment...pure, unbridled, bliss.

I do other things now days to chase that high but nothing will ever compare to those experiences. Words cannot even scratch the surface on describing them. What I am left with now is; how do I live my life in this way? How can I gift my boys with these types of experiences and feelings? How can I show them the good in the world while sheltering them from the bad? What have I done today to make this world a better place for them?

  They ask me if monsters are real. I tell them "no", and in a sense, I feel as if I am betraying them. There are very real monsters in this world but they are disguised as people and not some hideous beast under the bed. How do you protect them from that? How do you prepare them for that? Their biggest worry at this point in life is whether they get to play a video game or watch a movie. They live in a fairytale, full of super hero's, knights in shiny armor, daydreams, and playtime, and for now, I am happy with that.

  Apollo is in the throws of 2nd grade now. He seems to like this year better than the previous two,

however, he still hesitates using his Spanish when prompted. When he does, he speaks beautifully.  Even though he has not had any formal English reading classes and won't until the 3rd grade, he is now reading chapter books in English as well as in Spanish. He likes to offer up resistance when asked to do his homework, but once he sits down to do it, he is focused and studious. We love seeing this side of him.
  True to his passion of all things living, Apollo has taken an extreme interest in plants: All sorts of plants. We can't go anywhere that sells plants without him begging for us to buy him one. Seeds are planted in cups and watered diligently.  At one point he had more than a dozen cups in his window with various plants growing in them, varying from birdseed (that he planted), to vegetable seeds, even weeds that he found beauty in and dug up in the yard. "I'm practically a scientist, you know," he often tells me.
  His passion is infectious and his buddy Xavier is now planting seeds alongside Apollo. We have had to set up some pots and barrels in the yard for them to grow their little gardens of randomness. We do have one pot that we designated for succulents only. They are one of Apollo's favorite types of plants. The best part about the whole plant growing thing, is that Apollo will eat anything that grows, and that is edible. Many leafy things he will just pluck randomly from the garden and eat it as a snack. Even some of the more bizarre vegetables; eggplant, brussel-sprouts, etc., he will eat without hesitation. The added bonus is that Orion will at least try anything that he sees Apollo eat.

 

With the return of school comes the return of Orion being sick more often than not. He will catch every cold and virus that comes around; 7 to 10 days of being sick, 5 to 7 days of not...then the pattern repeats. As a result, he ends up sleeping in our bed most of the time where we can keep an eye on him or more to the point, listen to his breathing. That coupled with his extreme fear of the dark, I often wonder if we will ever totally get him sleeping in his own bed. He certainly knows how to work the system and I confess to being a sucker when it comes to my boys, however, Orion feels fear in a very deep way and has not yet been able to rationalize it away.
 I often think about a mentor that I once had. He relayed to me that sometimes we cannot fully appreciate our trials until later in life when we can look at our lives in reverse, then everything will finally make sense. He told me of a young boy in Spain who grew up shy and frightened of everything. He was often bullied by other kids for being so scared and timid, and could always be found hiding behind his mother, pulling her dress to the side to hide himself from his bullies. This young boy grew up to be one of Spain's best and most celebrated bull fighters. When looking at his life in reverse, you could see why he would be frightened and would use his mothers dress much like he would later use a muleta (red cape) as a matador. Foreshadowing or coincidence?
  I then look at this sweet little boy curled up at my side, head on my chest; "Dada, I'm scared!" he whispers in the dark. Even with me, the person he sees as invincible, he is still frightened, I can only wonder what monsters he may have to face in his future.
  "Dada," he persists, "I'm scared."
Its 3:00am. I am half asleep, and after mumble back to Orion that its "okay" and to "go back to sleep", I realize that there is more going on here and wake myself up to console my frightened little boy. I can feel him trembling. This wakes me up all the way.
 "What are you afraid of?" I ask, "I am holding you and I will never let anything happen to you while I am holding you."
"I'm afraid of the dark dada."
"Theres nothing to be afraid of," I reassure him, "that little green light from my computer is making some light so its not totally dark in here."
"I'm still scared. Can we do thank thing where you pray to keep the bad dreams out?" he asks in earnest, melting my heart with his words.
"Of course!" I begin to whisper a prayer to Orion and in the few brief words that I spoke, I could feel his trembling subside..."Amen."
He yawns. His breath deepens and slows. He is back to sleep.

  The following day, I asked Orion if he remembered being scared the night before. I was surprised when he not only remembered the whole ordeal, but he relayed to me that he had had a really bad dream.
"What was your dream about?" I asked.
"I dreamed of a Gruffalo," he began, "At first he was nice, but then he turned into a mean monster Gruffalo! but when you said that prayer, I knew he wouldn't come back, so then I could go back to sleep."

Dada: 1
Gruffalo: 0

  We...(Melanie and I), have somehow managed to make ourselves monumentally busy. We always have something to do, something going on, somewhere to go, trying to fit in family time, and quality kid time. We have so much going on all the time, that a car ride to or from someplace is the only time we have to discuss our schedules or just to ask how the other person is doing. Because of this, I am missing out on so much writing lately!! Apollo and Orion give me enough to blog about on a daily basis, yet the length of time between posts is getting longer and longer. Life getting in the way of life I suppose. One thing is for sure, its never boring when everyday our lives are filled with stories from the garden or the Gruffalo.

"Do you like being a dad?"

"Do you like being a dad?" Apollo asks randomly, while I am driving down the road.
"I love being a dad! I love everything about it. It is my favorite thing that I have ever done," I reply, glancing over to read the expression on Apollo's face.
"What do you like about it?" his eyes staring off to the horizon, not really focusing on anything in particular.

   These words have echoed through my mind ever since Apollo uttered them; 

"What do you like about (being a dad)?" 

I have spent many hours road biking these past few months, and I often reflect on my conversation with Apollo. I think about all the things that I love about being a father. I think about all the sacrifices. I think about the hard times, the scary times, the sad, and the happy.
  To be sure, my life has been altered by my children. While they do not define me, I am defined by who I am because of them. Everything I do, is for them. Every decision that Melanie and I make, is based on weighing the pros and cons of how it will affect our children. Their happiness and well being is my first priority. Everything else is secondary.

Sometimes I feel guilty that I may have had kids for my own personal pleasure. They are a constant source of entertainment for me. I am always laughing because of them. Wrestling with them. Teasing and tormenting them. Our bedtime routine resembles a WWE free-for-all. (This just might be very displeasing to Melanie.) The way I see it, I have but this one life, this one moment, this one chance. I want to enjoy every second that I can with these little guys since they are growing up too fast!

I cherish the uniqueness and individuality between Apollo and Orion.

Orion's eyes tell a million stories. He wears his emotions in them. I can read him like a book most of the time. It is one of the things I will miss most about him at this age. He is so full of excitement and my heart melts every time I walk through the door and he screams, "DADAAAAAAAA!"
His questions and concerns are very different than Apollo's, as is his personality. Orion is more concerned with negotiating bites of meals or doing chores in exchange for a treat or a toy than he is about how I feel about being a father, yet he values his one-on-one time with me above any treat I can offer him.

Apollo is in tune with nature and loves all that he can see and feel around him. Everything living is sacred. Orion is more of an empath. he feels from the heart. He fears the dark, fears being alone, and dreams of death.

"Dada, I had a dream and in it, you died," he tells me,"but when you die, will I be able to see your ghost?" I am not the only one to be killed off in his dreams, so its not that unnerving. It is sometimes his mom, his brothers, random planes full of people crashing, boats sinking. Although it is a rather macabre subject, it does lead to interesting conversations that I never would have imagined having with a 4-year-old.

If I gather all these moments, these conversations, personality traits, the laughter, the tears, the sickness, the success, the failures, and bundle them up into a giant treasure chest, this is what I like about being a dad. I teach, I learn, I share, I give, I receive, I sacrifice, I love...I feel loved.

~ ~ ~ ~

After relating to Apollo many of the things that I love about being a dad, he sat quietly for a while thinking before finally breaking his silence.

"I don't know if I want to be a dad," he begins with a kind of solemn look on his face, "What if my baby comes out retarded?"

Wow! Seriously? What 7-year-old worries about this? It left me speechless for a moment.

"Apollo, when you were in mommies tummy, and we went to the doctors for a check up, they asked us if we wanted to do a test to see if you might be at risk for being born with down syndrome," Apollo looked at me surprised, "Without even having to thinking about it, your mom immediately told the doctor that the test wouldn't be necessary, that we would love and keep our baby either way. It made my love her more."

Apollo smiled as he pondered my answer.

 "I have friends that have children that were born with down syndrome and they all say how fortunate and blessed they are to have those amazing kids in their lives. They see them as a gift, not a burden," I added.

"But I wouldn't know how to take care of a kid like that," he replied.

"I didn't know how to take care of a kid like you," I say sarcastically, which makes Apollo break into laughter. "You cant go through life worrying about the 'what if's'. You take your chances and deal with what comes your way.We learn along the way."

"So, you learned how to be a good dad all by yourself?" Apollo asks in earnest, giving me the greatest compliment I have ever received without even knowing it. With a lump in my throat, I grin from ear to ear.


Yes, I like being a dad.

Orion turns 4

3-years-old is one of my favorite ages and this past year did not disappoint. Your excitement, curiosity, and passion for life came shining through. You are amazingly bright and inquisitive.

Life is an adventure to you. You have given me a fresh perspective in life when I look at the world through your eyes. You love to laugh and you have the best laugh I have ever heard. I tickle you just to hear it. It is one of my guilty pleasure.

 

At times you are fearless. You trust your mom and I so deeply, that you won't hesitate to try something new if we are there to encourage you. You have mastered the rock climbing walls (thanks to your mom) and look for any opportunity to climb something, just because it is there. You are strong for your age...you always have been. While you could easily use your strength to hurt your friends, your brother, or our pets, you choose to be gentle, kind, and caring instead.

  You love anything that flies; rockets, jets, planes, and helicopters. The airport is always a treat for you. You yell in excitement whenever we drive by in the car, or pass by on our bikes. You are the first to hear and spot a plane or helicopter when one flies over. Every toy you have, you give the ability to fly. Its one of my favorite things about you. You never tire of asking about things that fly, and I never tire of telling you about them.

  You want to be involved in everything that goes on around you. You are the best helper. You vacuum all on your own, help with the dishes, laundry, picking up your toys, and even help me work on the cars or our bikes. Its never a chore to you. You just want to a part of the team.

  I love how social you are. You love your friends and value them. On occasion you are shy with new adults, but will always engage them when they talk to you.

You love to wrestle, run, and act wild. You are all boy at heart and you like to play hard. Still, on long walks or hikes, you want to sit on top of my shoulders. When I get hot and sweaty, you affectionately tell me that I am "melting" while you wipe the sweat from my shaved head.

  Orion, you represent all the things that are good in this world. You add so much to our family. You are balance, light, and warmth. You are a light in the dark, a breath of fresh air, a warm breeze on a sunny spring day.  You are our tropical beach baby and hate the cold (a kid after my own heart). You love to snuggle and tell me regularly, "dada, I want to hold you."

  Your smile brightens even my darkest day. When you look at me or when I hold you, I know that I am loved. I am proud to be your father.
Happy 4th Birthday Orion!! I love you!

Apollo turns 7

7 years...it seemed only moments ago when I held you for the first time. So tiny, vulnerable. At that moment everything changed...everything. I am amazed at the person you have become and are evolving into everyday. I've watched you grow and learn, try and fail, then try again... and succeed. 

I watched in wonder and amazement as you explored the world around you and embraced it. Your love of all things living gives me hope for the future. You asked me just days ago if plants feel pain as I clipped a flower from a bush. You were concerned for the well being of the plant. You caught a crane fly in the house and let it go outside, picked a bug up from the patio and put in a plant so it wouldn't get stepped on. 

  You love math and you are so good at it. You like to be challenged with numbers and math problems  that make you have to think...what 7-year-old does that? You are so inquisitive, introspective and bright. 

  

  You are very funny and a constant source of laughter and entertainment for me. You love to laugh and have my sense of humor, much to your moms chagrin. 

You are all the best parts of me and your mom. You challenge me everyday to be a better father and a better person. 

I am thankful  and proud to be your father, and I am blessed to have you in my life. Never change. Never stop learning. Never stop caring for the world. Never stop laughing.

Happy Birthday Apollo! I love you!

Love Triangles

I am powerless to her. She calls to me...beckons.  Her voice is soft and soothing. She smells divine; her fragrance ever changing. Her skin glows, reflecting every color in the rainbow. She is mysterious, powerful, every changing yet unbending in her resolve. When I am without her, I long to be with her. When I am with her, I yield to her will. I am part of her, and she is part of me.

  It is this earth, my home. She is my escape. I feel so fortunate that we live in such a beautiful place and can readily enjoy all that she has to offer. I am constantly in awe of her. When I am out riding my road bike, jogging, hiking, or on my mountain bike, I am just blown away by all the splendor and beauty that surrounds me, and it is all right outside my door. Spring time is absolutely incredible here. The wisteria are in full bloom and the smell that permeates the air is intoxicating. As I run or ride my bike, I try to identify all the different flowers that I can smell, often picking up on their scent without ever seeing where the smell is coming from. There are of course, flowers blooming everywhere; both wild and domestic. I am a very visual and sensory type of person so this time of year, spring-time, is borderline sensory overload for me.

  I have come to ponder what makes us love or fall in love with people, places, things. I watch Apollo and Orion. I see some things that are hard wired into them, others learned, or nurtured. Apollo has always had an intense love for all things living. He sees no difference in the life of a snail than that of his pet chickens. He wont throw a leaf into the fire if it still has green on it as he is not convinced that it is completely dead. He will catch flying insects in the house and take them outside and let them go.
  Orion loves his "things". He values his toys, especially flying toys, and often needs to take an entire fleet with him to bed. He values his relationship with people, I think more than any of our other boys. He loves the girls and is a huge flirt. He is our little helper and wants to be involved in everything that we do; cooking, cleaning, working in the yard, on vehicles, etc...he just wants to be apart. My favorite moments are when he says, "Dada, I want to hold you," his arms reaching up to me. When I scoop him up into my arms, he will tell me to go sit on the couch with him, and then will announce to his brother, "Apollo, I need some alone time with my dad." Few things are more rewarding.

  Apollo is nearly 7-years-old now. He has his best friend; Xavier, his love interest; Desea, and his supporting cast of his brother and various other kids that frequent our home. It is funny watching the interactions between the kids. It gives me insight into what they will all be like as young adults. It is funny to see that even at 7, they really aren't that much different than 17-year-old's. The best friend and the girlfriend both competing for time, attention and status.
  "I've known Apollo since I was 5!" Xavier starts.
 "Well I've actually known him longer because I knew him when I was 4!" Desea snaps back.
 "No you haven't"
 "Yes I have!"
 "I know him better than you because he is my best friend!"
 "I know him better because we are getting married!"
Apollo's allegiance swings from one friend to the other; sometimes taking sides of the best friend, other times taking the side of the girlfriend. It is somewhat entertaining to me watching them all get fired up over this topic and watching Apollo try to deal with and balance out the friendships. Someone always ends up getting upset or their feelings hurt, but in the end, they are all playing together. Who knew that this behavior starts at such a young age?

  Orion does not have the love triangle problems yet, but rather sees everyone as his best friend while he is playing with them. He has mastered the art of manipulation however, and often plays his mom and I off of each other, knowing if one says "no", the other might say "yes". Of course if we both say "no" the last one to say it, breaks his little heart. I try to make Melanie out to be the bad guy when I can. "Mama is mean to me!" tears, crying, the whole works. I get to scoop him up and console him, and get to be the hero...never mind that I told him "no" first!
  Once in a while, Orion pulls it off. He has learned that if one of us tells him "no", as long as he doesn't tell the other parent what the first parent said, he might get his way.
One evening, Orion was in the bath with Melanie, and climbed out before her. He came into my room with a towel and his pajamas, and told me he was ready for bed. I dried him off and got him dressed.

"Dada, can I have some chocolate milk," he asked very sweetly. I did hear him ask his mom while they were in the bath, and I assumed that she told him "no".
"What did mama say?" I asked.
"She said yes."
"Are you sure?"
"She said yes to chocolate milk!"
"You know we don't do chocolate milk at bed time, Orion."
"Yes we do!" tears start forming, "But I'm hungry and mama said yes!"
We did have a big day after all, and Orion did not eat much dinner so I decided that I would indulge him.
"Okay," I said, and climbed out of bed, "I will get you some chocolate milk."
I returned a few minutes later with a sippy-cup of chocolate milk, and handed it to a very happy little boy. I climbed in bed with him and grabbed my lap top. As he lay there next to me contently drinking his milk, Melanie got out of the bath and entered the room.
"Orion! I told him he couldn't have any chocolate milk. It's too late!" Melanie snapped, looking at me knowing full well that I knew better.
Of course I acted surprised and trying to look as serious as I am capable of looking, began to scold him.
 "Orion! why did you lie to me!" I said with my best scowl on my face (this was mostly for Melanie's benefit), "You told me that mama said "yes"! Why would you lie to me!"
His big brown eyes were locked on mine as he continued drinking from his red sippy-cup, now half full, his head snugly laid back in the pillow. He did not even show an ounce of concern for what I just said, nor did he show any remorse.
 Slowly, he pulled the sippy-cup from his lips and with a stone cold, straight face said,
"It's opposite day."