Orion turns 5!!

Some of the best things in life come unexpectedly. You are that unexpected gift to us. 

If it were possible to capture the light and the warmth of the sun, and bottle up all that energy, that would be the closest comparison that I have to you. You are radiant, bright, and full of life.

You brought balance to our family. Your easy-going nature is a welcome contrast. Sweet? the word should have your picture next to it in the dictionary. You are kind and loving and always say, "I love you" when you feel it. You race down the hallway to give your mom a "kiss-hug" if you hear her leaving for a run. You have a way of letting people know that you love them in such a manner that it is tangible. You always let me know that you love mama the most...then me next. Sometimes I get to be on the same level as mama, but I'm usually second, but I am okay with that. You even let Apollo know that you love him, even though he pushes all your buttons constantly.

You are such a fun-loving ball of energy. You live life in the present, laugh uninhibitedly, and find humor in the smallest things.

 You are raucous, wild and loud...very loud.

  You love to cuddle, snuggle, give hugs, and still want to be held or go "up-top"(sit on my shoulders) whenever we are walking or hiking. I'm a sucker and will always indulge you even though you are more than capable of walking yourself, because I know you just want to be as close to me as possible.

You approach every moment as an adventure. You look for the good in all things. You find the fun. You look for the laughter.

 Don't get me wrong, you have your naughty side to. It's all in fun though. You like to say "potty-words" to me, even whisper them in my ears so mama cant hear you, because you know I cant help but laugh while trying not to, and while still trying to act like a parent. You like to beat me up; punch me, kick me, and jump on me, often leaping from furniture to tackle me as I walk by.

You have a way with words that is fun and endearing. You come up with descriptions of things that are amazing, when you don't know the word for them. You are a great communicator and very social. I love taking you to your moms work at the Airport Club, watching you race through the doors without me, scanning the lobby to see who is there, running up to the parents of kids that you know and asking if their son or daughter is here, then heading to the child care room to 'buzz' yourself in. You act as if you own the place.

Your smile and your laughter brighten every room.
You are so full of life and energy. You have passion. You are joy.
            
I am thankful for every moment that I get st spend with you. You are so much fun to be around.  Your gift to me is that I get to be your dad. 

  Happy 5th Birthday Orion!! I love you!

And then you turned 8!

 To say that you hold all life sacred, only casts but a small light on the truth. You embrace it, breath it in, nurture it, respect it...cherish it. 

  You find beauty and wonder in even the smallest seed as it germinates, cracks through the soil, and slowly unfurls to greet the sun. "Baby plants are so cute," you say, as you look at them in admiration.
 
You always stop and smell the flowers, "This is my new favorite color of flower. Green is my favorite color because plants are green, but flowers always surprise me with their colors."
 
  You see garden snails as unique and interesting. Moving them from the garden in the backyard to the plants in the front so the chickens don't eat them. You are fascinated by them. You handle them gently, watching them crawl across your hands and arms before carefully retiring them to their new homes.
 
I watch every morning as you get dressed and head outside to tend to your baby chicks, moving them, their food, and  fresh water to a place in the yard that you decide will be best for them that day. No-one asks you to do this. It makes me proud.

  You study and analyze everything you see. You want to discover the mechanism that makes things work. You want to know all the reasons why and you are not satisfied until you have your answers. You have a passion for everything that you do; origami, lanyards, plants, and rocks are some of your favorites. You are a self proclaimed "Rockiologist". I love the passion that drives you.

  You over-think things, but we encourage it (with guidance of course). Its who you are. You ask questions that most people don't think about...ever. You are bright and introspective. You question everything, even your mom and I. It may drive us crazy at times, but I love that about you! It proves that you are a nonconformist. You always want proof or at least you want all the evidence so you can decide for yourself.

  You are one of the funniest people that I know. I don't think that you even realize how funny you are yet. You are so quick witted. I am impressed by the things that you see, interpret, mimic, or react to. You always  know how to make me laugh.

  You are shy and reserved in public, but around family and friends you are so free and uninhibited. I have watched you slowly start to show some of who you are in public this past year, and I hope you continue to because you have so much to offer. People adore the real Apollo which you so often hide from the world.

  And then you turned 8! What a rush the years have been. Gone too quickly for my taste, yet I am excited watching you grow and change into an individual. There is never a dull moment with you. Even your mom agrees; there is only one of you. You are a challenge, yet you are a joy to be around. You are unique and adventurous. Don't ever change that. Don't settle. Don't compromise.

Every time I look at you, I feel so lucky and thankful that you are my son. I have been blessed to call you my own.

Happy 8th Birthday Apollo!! I love you.

Just Breath

  The darkness. Still. Quiet. Thoughts abound, my heart is racing, and sleep seems impossible at this point. My less than perfect hearing focuses on the labored breathing of not one, but both boys. Two completely different reasons but both equally painful for me to listen to, having been an asthma sufferer many years ago. One wheezing from congestion, the other struggling to inhale from anxiety.

   I  remember all too well the helpless feeling of being on the verge of drowning: swimming against hope in the very air that others effortlessly take in (and take for granite), yet against all desperation, there is nothing more than just enough breath in every swallow to keep you conscious. Akin to waterboarding I suppose, yet your own body is the enemy in this scenario. I would suffer 10,000 deaths of this nature so that my boys would never have to suffer one moment of feeling breathless.

  Orion's battle comes every winter. Every cold, flu, or other virus that is going around, this kid will catch and it always makes its way to his lungs. I am thankful for the medicine that gives him relief. I shutter to think of how bad he would suffer without them or how long his little body could hold out. It's the steroidal inhalers that really make the difference long term, yet it is the same culprit that turns him into "Animal Orion" as Apollo lovingly calls him. Animal is a fitting title. He becomes wilder. More aggressive, more emotional, just more of all the things he already is. Orion never complains that he cant breath well. Even when his sentences are cut short in order to catch his breath, just to finish what he is saying. He doesn't know any better. It never slows him down either. He just keeps on doing what he is doing until we give him his meds and then at the end of the day, force him to stay still long enough that he falls asleep, exhausted and weary.

  Apollo, is an otherwise very healthy kid. He seldom gets a cold or flu and when he does it is usually very mild. In mid-January, it would seem that a switch, of sorts, was flipped. Apollo may have caught a slight cough or cold, but in the space of 24 hours, he became acutely aware of his mortality. It is hard to say what the actual trigger was; the death a month earlier of our neighbor Johnny and his memorial in January (just a week before his anxiety started), my change in schedule and nights spent away from home with my new job, months of watching Orion struggle to breath, or just the long gloomy, rainy winter. Maybe it was a combination of all of these or possibly it had nothing to do with any of them. It really doesn't matter at this point. What does matter is that a part of his brain went into overdrive. He was diagnosed with anxiety.
 "Cut down on his screen time and he will be back to normal pretty quickly," said his well meaning pediatrician. Obviously he didn't know that we do not have cable. Nor did he know that during the week, the boys aren't allowed screen time. I understand that many kids are plugged in for several hours per day, but that is not our kids. Some weeks, 2 hours is all they get and often that is watching a family movie together on the weekend. I think on this one, his doctor missed the mark completely and in the process, he really missed being able to help us in any way that would offer some direction for us and some releif for Apollo.

  Melanie and I had to get creative. Internet research, talking with friends who have had children of their own suffer from anxiety, and just good ol' fashion trial-and-error. 3 months later, Apollo is doing much better. He is still battling his feelings of anxiety and still is struggling daily some weeks, but he has improved markedly. Still, he has his days and moments. We make him face his fears, meet them head on, fight them, reason and rationalize. He is winning...yet I fear this is the first round of many battles he will have to face.

  Through this battle, we have had some amazing conversations with Apollo about many things; Cancer, heart disease, DNA,viruses, and all things related to the body and health. He wants to know all the ins and outs of everything. Melanie and I have spent many hours with him showing him diagrams and reading to him about these very topics. He retains so much information and constantly processes what he learns. He is not easily placated. He wants the facts and wants to know everything about a topic.

"Can you catch cancer like a cold? Like if someone sneezes on you?" he asks, horrified at the thought, "But you said that cancer can grow and move around the body in the blood and spread to other areas, so if someone has lung cancer and they cough or sneeze in your face, aren't they spreading cancer? and cant you breath in those cancer cells and then they will start growing in your body? How do you know that can't happen? If the doctors don't know how or why cancer starts and they don't know how to stop it, then how do you know that people can't catch it from other people? How do you know that Johnny didn't get cancer from someone with cancer sneezing on him? How do you know grandpa Joe didn't get cancer from touching one of his friends that had cancer?"
  These are actual questions from my 7-year-old. His mind is far beyond where my mind was at seven and I suspect most other kids his age as well. The best we can do is help him answer the questions, redirect his emotions, breath, reason out his anxiety, and rationalize with himself. We want him to have complete control of his anxiety but at the same time, we want to nurture the part of his brain that is so introspective and analytical. Maybe a Phoenix will be born from these ashes.

  The nights have gotten better as spring has settled into our area. Orion is off his inhalers and is simply the most charming little boy that any parent can ask for. Even though the "Animal" part has gone dormant until next fall, he still likes to attack me like a wild banshee, but to everyone else, he is very sweet.

  Apollo is sleeping easier now. He still has questions and "what-if" scenarios. When sleep comes and takes him, I watch, and listen, finding comfort in the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest and soft breath. I am thankful.  A complete reversal from just a few months ago when I would watch in anguish as his chest labored for each breath. It was tight and constricted. Every third breath was almost a gasp followed by a long sigh. NO amount of reassurance from his doctor that this was "completely normal" was enough to ease my mind. He is asleep! Why do the symptoms not go away when he sleeps?

I awake most nights and find myself headed to Apollo and Orion's room. I listen in the dark. I search their peaceful faces, void of any expression or sign of worry. It's quiet now. I lean over and kiss their foreheads and often find my self whispering to them,  "Just Breath."
  

Out with the old, in with the new

Energy: A unit by which to measure hyperactivity in children. 

On the energy scale, I would have to say that Apollo and Orion float somewhere in the neighborhood of 7 on most days but push a 9 out of 10 for a couple hours per day with the occasional red line of an 11. The ramp up to christmas was nothing short of an overload. Even amongst all the chaos, I believe this was the funnest Christmas thus far, for Apollo and Orion. They have been counting down the days since Thanksgiving. The last 10 days, the Grinch paid nightly visits to stir up a bit of trouble, if only to see if the boys caused his heart to grow 3 sizes that day by doing good deeds. If so, as a reward, little presents were left behind. Our Grinch was very creative I might add.
  This only amplified the energy level each day until it peaked on Christmas eve and Christmas morning. This is what makes the holidays worth it for me. That level of excitement makes the house feel alive! The smell of a fresh cut Christmas tree and Greek cookies, lights and decorations, and the laughter of Apollo and Orion, made the holiday picture complete.

Thanks to Amazon, eBay and other online e-tailers, we can pretty much avoid the malls and the stores, and this makes the holiday that much more pleasant for me. I love the excitement and the spirit of the holidays but can really do without the crowds at the stores. For me, it is all about quality family time and enjoying each others company. Melanie and I were able to sneak out and celebrate our 11th anniversary at The French Laundry, which was an amazing way to finish the year! 

For my own reasons, I am glad the year is over. Don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed nearly everyday of the holiday season, with the exception of 2 days spent crammed into the truck driving to and from central Oregon for Thanksgiving. It's just that this year seemed like each day was a battle to make it through to the next day. Everything was an uphill battle. It has just been an enormous amount of work. Moving on to our next big adventure starting at the 1st of the year, has been a 2 month long process of angst, anticipation, and waiting. Now that the "process" and waiting is over, I was able to unwind and relax for the New Year holiday and enjoy my family.
  Looking back, in spite of the struggles, we really had an epic year and I wouldn't replace any of it. Melanie and I completed 2 Ragnar Relay Races together; Napa Valley and Southern California. Melanie did a half marathon, and I did a metric century bike ride and also completed the Levi's Gran Fondo. I hit 3,001 total miles road biking.
  We sold the mini van and bought a Jeep Wrangler. We camped, we hiked, and we explored new places. We made some great new friends along the way and got reacquainted with some old ones.
  We made the most with what little we had to work with this past year and we really hit most of our goals and even exceeded some of them. 2016 promises to be a whole new adventure for us. New challenges and new goals await and we are ready to meet them head on.

For this life, I am Thankful

  I could complain about the bitter cold mornings, the short days and long nights. I could lament that summer and spring went by too fast. That we didn't take that epic vacation we had hoped for. Or the fact that everything we accomplished took way more time, money, and effort to achieve than it should have. But the truth of the matter is, I am thankful for every trial...ever day that we had to go out and earn it...every hurdle, every obstacle, every mountain. Because looking back, it was all worth it. To look at 2015 on a calendar, it was one crazy, packed, epic year thus far, and promises to finish with a bang.
  I cannot have anything but gratitude for my life. I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams. A life full of love, laughter, goals, achievements, hardships, and victories.
  I am thankful for a beautiful wife that can cook, bake, craft, and create, and then run 8 miles like it's nothing...often doing all of this in the same day.

  I am thankful for my amazing sons; they make me laugh every day. Their youthful perspective on life is refreshing and invigorating.
  I am thankful for my step sons and the men that they are becoming.
  I am most thankful that they are all so healthy and strong. That is a true gift and something I do not take for granted in the slightest. Every morning when I awake, I am glad to be alive and give thanks for my family and their health. I am grateful that I get to spend another day with such an excellent group of individuals and get to call them my family.

 I am thankful for the friends that I have made this year, and the rekindling of some old friendships...Ragnar...what can I say? I'm still laughing. Twice in one year, 200ish miles running, crammed in a van for 32+ hours with 5 people as crazy as me (crazier)...Twice!!

  I am thankful for my love of cycling and for the ability to do it, not to mention a wife that supports my cycling addiction (within reason). A year ago, I would have never even considered riding Levi's Gran Fondo (101 miles, 9,600' of climbing) and yet in May, I decided to do it and pushed my self beyond my limits for 4 months... and did it.

  Yes, we trained. We trained a lot. It brought Melanie and I closer, gave us some great memories together, and in the midst of it all, I think we are setting a great example for our boys on how to train, to be active, and have a good time doing it. We have taken them on short runs/walks, cycling, hikes, and adventures. On warm days, we try to finish the day off in the pool with them. There is so much beauty in this world and so many ways to enjoy it. That is the lesson we are trying to teach them.

  With the cooler days, and long cold nights, the vineyards have given way to autumn. I ride the back roads through the vineyards, redwoods, and oak trees. I shut out the world around me and and embrace the sights, sounds, and smells. It's my reset button. With all the bad in the world, I try to focus on all the good in my life and the beauty that surrounds me. I find my peace and tranquility. For this life, I am thankful.

The Garden and the Gruffalo

I've been there: the edge of the world. or at least at the edge of the sky. Time frozen. Quiet. Still. I felt alive. Connected...yet alone. I felt at peace.

  Maybe it was a series of moments lost within the space of time and rolled into one grand memory from so long ago. Make no mistake, it was and still does remain very real for me; those surreal moments when skydiving - where everything is simply... perfect! Not the jump necessarily, nor the people you are jumping with, nor the place...just that perfect moment when you realize that life cannot be any better.
  I revisit these moments in my mind quite often, typically while meditating. Not due to some form of nostalgia really, but because of the amazing feeling and outlook on life that I felt in those moments. From 12,000' above the ground, in free-fall or under canopy, there is no race, color, creed, religion, gay, straight, politics, hate, anger...there is just life...that moment...pure, unbridled, bliss.

I do other things now days to chase that high but nothing will ever compare to those experiences. Words cannot even scratch the surface on describing them. What I am left with now is; how do I live my life in this way? How can I gift my boys with these types of experiences and feelings? How can I show them the good in the world while sheltering them from the bad? What have I done today to make this world a better place for them?

  They ask me if monsters are real. I tell them "no", and in a sense, I feel as if I am betraying them. There are very real monsters in this world but they are disguised as people and not some hideous beast under the bed. How do you protect them from that? How do you prepare them for that? Their biggest worry at this point in life is whether they get to play a video game or watch a movie. They live in a fairytale, full of super hero's, knights in shiny armor, daydreams, and playtime, and for now, I am happy with that.

  Apollo is in the throws of 2nd grade now. He seems to like this year better than the previous two,

however, he still hesitates using his Spanish when prompted. When he does, he speaks beautifully.  Even though he has not had any formal English reading classes and won't until the 3rd grade, he is now reading chapter books in English as well as in Spanish. He likes to offer up resistance when asked to do his homework, but once he sits down to do it, he is focused and studious. We love seeing this side of him.
  True to his passion of all things living, Apollo has taken an extreme interest in plants: All sorts of plants. We can't go anywhere that sells plants without him begging for us to buy him one. Seeds are planted in cups and watered diligently.  At one point he had more than a dozen cups in his window with various plants growing in them, varying from birdseed (that he planted), to vegetable seeds, even weeds that he found beauty in and dug up in the yard. "I'm practically a scientist, you know," he often tells me.
  His passion is infectious and his buddy Xavier is now planting seeds alongside Apollo. We have had to set up some pots and barrels in the yard for them to grow their little gardens of randomness. We do have one pot that we designated for succulents only. They are one of Apollo's favorite types of plants. The best part about the whole plant growing thing, is that Apollo will eat anything that grows, and that is edible. Many leafy things he will just pluck randomly from the garden and eat it as a snack. Even some of the more bizarre vegetables; eggplant, brussel-sprouts, etc., he will eat without hesitation. The added bonus is that Orion will at least try anything that he sees Apollo eat.

 

With the return of school comes the return of Orion being sick more often than not. He will catch every cold and virus that comes around; 7 to 10 days of being sick, 5 to 7 days of not...then the pattern repeats. As a result, he ends up sleeping in our bed most of the time where we can keep an eye on him or more to the point, listen to his breathing. That coupled with his extreme fear of the dark, I often wonder if we will ever totally get him sleeping in his own bed. He certainly knows how to work the system and I confess to being a sucker when it comes to my boys, however, Orion feels fear in a very deep way and has not yet been able to rationalize it away.
 I often think about a mentor that I once had. He relayed to me that sometimes we cannot fully appreciate our trials until later in life when we can look at our lives in reverse, then everything will finally make sense. He told me of a young boy in Spain who grew up shy and frightened of everything. He was often bullied by other kids for being so scared and timid, and could always be found hiding behind his mother, pulling her dress to the side to hide himself from his bullies. This young boy grew up to be one of Spain's best and most celebrated bull fighters. When looking at his life in reverse, you could see why he would be frightened and would use his mothers dress much like he would later use a muleta (red cape) as a matador. Foreshadowing or coincidence?
  I then look at this sweet little boy curled up at my side, head on my chest; "Dada, I'm scared!" he whispers in the dark. Even with me, the person he sees as invincible, he is still frightened, I can only wonder what monsters he may have to face in his future.
  "Dada," he persists, "I'm scared."
Its 3:00am. I am half asleep, and after mumble back to Orion that its "okay" and to "go back to sleep", I realize that there is more going on here and wake myself up to console my frightened little boy. I can feel him trembling. This wakes me up all the way.
 "What are you afraid of?" I ask, "I am holding you and I will never let anything happen to you while I am holding you."
"I'm afraid of the dark dada."
"Theres nothing to be afraid of," I reassure him, "that little green light from my computer is making some light so its not totally dark in here."
"I'm still scared. Can we do thank thing where you pray to keep the bad dreams out?" he asks in earnest, melting my heart with his words.
"Of course!" I begin to whisper a prayer to Orion and in the few brief words that I spoke, I could feel his trembling subside..."Amen."
He yawns. His breath deepens and slows. He is back to sleep.

  The following day, I asked Orion if he remembered being scared the night before. I was surprised when he not only remembered the whole ordeal, but he relayed to me that he had had a really bad dream.
"What was your dream about?" I asked.
"I dreamed of a Gruffalo," he began, "At first he was nice, but then he turned into a mean monster Gruffalo! but when you said that prayer, I knew he wouldn't come back, so then I could go back to sleep."

Dada: 1
Gruffalo: 0

  We...(Melanie and I), have somehow managed to make ourselves monumentally busy. We always have something to do, something going on, somewhere to go, trying to fit in family time, and quality kid time. We have so much going on all the time, that a car ride to or from someplace is the only time we have to discuss our schedules or just to ask how the other person is doing. Because of this, I am missing out on so much writing lately!! Apollo and Orion give me enough to blog about on a daily basis, yet the length of time between posts is getting longer and longer. Life getting in the way of life I suppose. One thing is for sure, its never boring when everyday our lives are filled with stories from the garden or the Gruffalo.

"Do you like being a dad?"

"Do you like being a dad?" Apollo asks randomly, while I am driving down the road.
"I love being a dad! I love everything about it. It is my favorite thing that I have ever done," I reply, glancing over to read the expression on Apollo's face.
"What do you like about it?" his eyes staring off to the horizon, not really focusing on anything in particular.

   These words have echoed through my mind ever since Apollo uttered them; 

"What do you like about (being a dad)?" 

I have spent many hours road biking these past few months, and I often reflect on my conversation with Apollo. I think about all the things that I love about being a father. I think about all the sacrifices. I think about the hard times, the scary times, the sad, and the happy.
  To be sure, my life has been altered by my children. While they do not define me, I am defined by who I am because of them. Everything I do, is for them. Every decision that Melanie and I make, is based on weighing the pros and cons of how it will affect our children. Their happiness and well being is my first priority. Everything else is secondary.

Sometimes I feel guilty that I may have had kids for my own personal pleasure. They are a constant source of entertainment for me. I am always laughing because of them. Wrestling with them. Teasing and tormenting them. Our bedtime routine resembles a WWE free-for-all. (This just might be very displeasing to Melanie.) The way I see it, I have but this one life, this one moment, this one chance. I want to enjoy every second that I can with these little guys since they are growing up too fast!

I cherish the uniqueness and individuality between Apollo and Orion.

Orion's eyes tell a million stories. He wears his emotions in them. I can read him like a book most of the time. It is one of the things I will miss most about him at this age. He is so full of excitement and my heart melts every time I walk through the door and he screams, "DADAAAAAAAA!"
His questions and concerns are very different than Apollo's, as is his personality. Orion is more concerned with negotiating bites of meals or doing chores in exchange for a treat or a toy than he is about how I feel about being a father, yet he values his one-on-one time with me above any treat I can offer him.

Apollo is in tune with nature and loves all that he can see and feel around him. Everything living is sacred. Orion is more of an empath. he feels from the heart. He fears the dark, fears being alone, and dreams of death.

"Dada, I had a dream and in it, you died," he tells me,"but when you die, will I be able to see your ghost?" I am not the only one to be killed off in his dreams, so its not that unnerving. It is sometimes his mom, his brothers, random planes full of people crashing, boats sinking. Although it is a rather macabre subject, it does lead to interesting conversations that I never would have imagined having with a 4-year-old.

If I gather all these moments, these conversations, personality traits, the laughter, the tears, the sickness, the success, the failures, and bundle them up into a giant treasure chest, this is what I like about being a dad. I teach, I learn, I share, I give, I receive, I sacrifice, I love...I feel loved.

~ ~ ~ ~

After relating to Apollo many of the things that I love about being a dad, he sat quietly for a while thinking before finally breaking his silence.

"I don't know if I want to be a dad," he begins with a kind of solemn look on his face, "What if my baby comes out retarded?"

Wow! Seriously? What 7-year-old worries about this? It left me speechless for a moment.

"Apollo, when you were in mommies tummy, and we went to the doctors for a check up, they asked us if we wanted to do a test to see if you might be at risk for being born with down syndrome," Apollo looked at me surprised, "Without even having to thinking about it, your mom immediately told the doctor that the test wouldn't be necessary, that we would love and keep our baby either way. It made my love her more."

Apollo smiled as he pondered my answer.

 "I have friends that have children that were born with down syndrome and they all say how fortunate and blessed they are to have those amazing kids in their lives. They see them as a gift, not a burden," I added.

"But I wouldn't know how to take care of a kid like that," he replied.

"I didn't know how to take care of a kid like you," I say sarcastically, which makes Apollo break into laughter. "You cant go through life worrying about the 'what if's'. You take your chances and deal with what comes your way.We learn along the way."

"So, you learned how to be a good dad all by yourself?" Apollo asks in earnest, giving me the greatest compliment I have ever received without even knowing it. With a lump in my throat, I grin from ear to ear.


Yes, I like being a dad.