Seeing Aden

As a parent, we see our children's potential long before they do. It is often a long and painful process, getting them to the point where they can even begin to realize this potential in themselves. It is all to easy for them to get caught up in the shortsightedness of their own emotions, desires, and the pursuit of instant gratification, that they cant see the bigger picture. And then they get to the point where they feel they know more than you, as their parent, and stop listening to any advice that you have to offer. Its a natural cycle for sure, but it can be so frustrating as a parent when you watch your kid learn every lesson the hard way, watch them struggle with their emotions, their demons, and finding direction in their life.

  This past week, we were able to see Aden, one of Apollo and Orion's two older brothers, begin a transformation. Aden graduated from Air Force boot camp. The Aden that left nearly 8 weeks earlier, was uncertain, probably unsure of his decision to join the air-force, and most likely frightened of what the future held for him. The Aden we saw at graduation was confident and proud but not arrogant. For his mom and I, it was great to witness him realize that he has potential, and to see him confident and excited about his future.
  Apollo and Orion, while not thrilled with the whole graduation ceremonies, they were very excited to see Aden and to also fly on a plane and stay in a hotel. The thee of us flew out of Santa Rosa while Melanie and Ian flew out of San Francisco since they planned on staying an extra day.

And thus, our journey began.

   The boys giggled with excitement as the plane accelerated down the runway, then burst into laughter as the plane lifted from the tarmac leaving their stomachs far below. The small regional jet had a lot of power and it certainly used it during take off. The boys spent the better part of the two hour flight looking out the window, laughing, talking about flying, the clouds, snow capped mountains and lakes that they could see below. Of course, as soon as the plane began its final decent into Phoenix, Orion announced that he had to pee really bad. Seriously? I just asked him if he had to go not 5 minutes earlier!. "You're going to have to wait now until we land and get off the plane!"
"I don't know if I can hold it!" he replied, squirming restlessly in his seat. I assured him that he had no choice and the next ten minutes were very stressful ones for me, as I imagined him peeing his pants on the plane.
  I need to point out here that we had 42 minutes scheduled in between flights in Phoenix, but our take off had been delayed by 45 minutes in Santa Rosa due to heavy air traffic coming into Phoenix. Our pilot made up some time in the air, but I knew our time was extremely short when we landed. We unloaded at gate B1 and our next flight was leaving out of gate B18. No problem, I thought. Fortunately, as we ran off the plane skywalk, there was a restroom directly across form the gate. As Orion is standing at one of the urinals relieving himself, I hear over the P.A. system, "Attention passengers, this is the final boarding call for flight 5944 to San Antonio. The door will be closing in 4 minutes! Please proceed to gate B18 immediately!"
Panic ensued. "Orion, hurry up! we have to go!" "I am! I'm going as fast as I can!" he replies. He finishes up, I help him wash his hands in record time and we dash out of the restrooms and run down the concourse. "Keep up boys!" We pass gates 3 and 4. Then 5 and 6. Then 7 and 8. "Hurry hurry hurry!" I encourage.
"Attention passengers; Mark Miles, Apollo Miles, Orion Miles. Please report to gate B18. This is the final call for flight 5944 to San Antonio Texas. We will be closing the door in 2 minutes!"
Gate 9 and 10. Gate 11 and 12. "What the heck!" I think to my self, when I realize that we are running out of concourse and gates and it is too short now to have a gate 18. "Shit?" I let slip from my lips. "Dada, why did you say shit!" Apollo asks followed by his brother asking the same question, both sucking air as they struggle to keep up. "Don't worry about it, just keep up!"
  I slow for a second wondering if we should turn around or go forward, then dash to the last gate, B14. "Excuse me!" I ask an agent interrupting their conversation with another customer, "Where is gate B18?"
"In the next concourse, there," he and another airline employee are pointing out the window, across the way to what I quickly estimate to be nearly 1/3 of a mile away.
"Shit!" I exclaim, "Thank you!" I turn to the boys, "Wrong way!!, Run! Run like the wind!!"
The three of us run now with everything we have, me with my slight limp, 14 weeks post Achilles surgery, and both boys with over-sized backpacks bouncing off their backs.
"Attention passenger Mark Miles. This is the final boarding call for flight 5944 to San Antonio Texas. Please report to gate B18 immediately! The door will be closing in one minute!"
People peeled out of the way in front of us, some smiling, some annoyed. Gate 8 and 7...6 and 5, Gate 2 and 1, we rounded the corner into the long passage leading to the next concourse. I was thankful to see the high-speed moving walkways spanning the length of the corridor. As we ran onto the first walk way, we hear, "Final call for passengers of flight 5944. Mark Miles, please report to gate B18 or check in with the nearest American Airline agent. We will be closing the door momentarily."
"I think we missed our plane guys!" I exclaimed urging Apollo and Orion on. We made it across the first walkway, and scrambled onto the second. We came off the second and rounded the corner to the left in a full on sprint, certain that we had missed our flight. 50 yards ahead, as people are moving out of our way, I see an American Airline employee walk out into the corridor looking our way. "Flight 5944? Mark Miles?" She called out. "Yes! That's us!" I managed to gasp.
 "Oh thank god! I was supposed to close the door two minutes ago!" said the concerned agent, waving us on. We passed through the lounge at the gate to laughter, cheering, and comments of "You barely made it!" On the plane we were greeted with the similar comments, some smiles, and a few sneers. Orion announced to everyone we passed on the way to our seats, "We barely made our flight!"

  Day 1 came way too early with a loss of 2-hours crossing time zones and then getting up at 5:45am the next morning. Apollo and Orion were good sports for the most part until we spent the first couple hours on base walking around, doing orientation, watching the Airmen's Run, in which Apollo and myself were the only ones to spot Aden, followed by more waiting around. After a while, Apollo started in with, "Let's go," and "This is boring!" Then it was time to take our places in the bleachers. Once Apollo realized that we had more waiting to do, he appallingly exclaimed, "This is soooo boring! This is way worse than school! I wish I was at school today!"

Yes, there was a lot of waiting and anticipation and from a kids perspective that was hoping a plane flight led to Disneyland style epic fun, it was boring during the in-between times. For Melanie and I, it was cool watching all the practicing and coordination that went on leading up to the presentation of the Airmen's Coin. It was the realization for me that we were watching 747 young men and women moving as one and in precise formation and timing, where only a few short weeks ago they were all kids much like Aden,; Kids that slept 10 - 12 hours a day, stayed up all night, and laid on the floor while folding laundry. What we saw was a massive group of disciplined solders (airmen) which I could not reconcile once being like Aden was when he left.
  When the ceremony ended, they allowed families to find their airmen. The Airmen had to stand in formation, at-ease, while they waited for family and friends to find them and then "tap-them-out" releasing them for the day. Apollo and Orion were excited again and were eager to hug Aden. We spent this day on base with Aden having lunch, walking around the parade grounds viewing many different Airforce planes and jets, and listening to Aden's stories about boot camp. Later that evening, we met some long lost cousins of Melanie's for dinner in San Antonio. A great day over all but by the time we returned to the hotel, we were all exhausted.

  Day 2, we made it onto base by 7:15am to find seats in the bleachers. We had to wait until 9am when the graduation ceremony started. It was hot! Even this early in the morning. Orion asked for water and we thought he was thirsty but then we had a good laugh when we watched him pour caps full of water onto his arms in an attempt to cool off. The high was 92 degrees that day. Our highs at home have been in the 50's. It definitely felt a bit warm in the sun.
  This day, the airmen were dressed in their dress uniforms. at the conclusion of the ceremony, we "tapped-out" Aden again. We walked back to his dorm for an open house and were able to see how neat his bed was made and how neat and clean his locker was kept. Apollo and Orion used the beds as a play-place for their transformer toys, which stressed out Aden and the other Airmen. They had to go behind the boys and straighten their beds and align their boots and shoes that the boys kicked around under the beds. Needless to say, I was as happy to get the boys out of there as the airmen were to have them leave. This day, Aden had an off base pass and we were able to visit the Alamo and a portion of the Riverwalk.

  As far as Apollo and Orion were concerned, the day was lack-luster and I had to remind them constantly that this trip was about Aden and not them, Still, Apollo was really impressed with the Mexican Grackle birds that we found everywhere we looked and took to mimicking them. He also liked the waterfalls that passed from the outside of the Hyatt hotel, through the lobby, then out into the Riverwalk. Orion liked the giant koi fish at the Alamo, and a giant transformer inside of the Ripley's Believe-it-or-not, lobby. After spending the entire day with Aden, we made it back to the base 15 minutes early, only to find the first three gates were locked. We finally found an open get and once we made it through, we hurried to the dorms to drop off Aden. He arrived right on time but only after several stressful minutes.

  For myself, Apollo, and Orion, our visit came to an end. We were on the plane by 6:15am the next morning. Our flights were less eventful on the way home as we were all tired and ready to be back at our house. Melanie and Ian were able to spend the next two days with Aden while the little boys and I caught up on sleep, homework, and laundry.

One thing that I always do with the boys after a trip, is ask them about it. I ask what they liked, what they didn't like, remind them of things we did and we talk about the our experiences. the last thing I ask the boys is, what was their favorite thing from the trip.
Apollo answered; "I liked the birds, and I liked the Riverwalk the best. Oh, and I liked the plane ride.
"Orion, what was your favorite thing?" I asked after Apollo finished.
He answered simply, "Seeing Aden."


  

Penelope

Of all life's lessons, loss has got to be the most painful and certainly the most difficult to wrap your head around. Loss of a loved one to be more specific. I still grieve for my loved ones whom have gone before me, even after so many years have passed for some of them. Even those whom were fortunate enough to have lived a full life, the grief is still real. For some, they left us too soon. Gone before life even started for them. For them I grieve the most. And then there are those who died while living; doing something that they loved. Your heart aches for them but we justify their tragic ending by telling our selves that they were doing what they loved when they went. That's the way I want to go; doing something that I love instead of dying of disease or after years of diminishing quality of life.
   The real trick is, how to teach your children about life and death...death as a part of life. How to respect and cherish life. How to honor the passing of someone that you loved. How to mourn them.

  I often refer to our home as a zoo. As of todays accounting, we have a full compliment of exotic parrots (7 to be exact), chickens, a dog, a cat, and fish. The thing about having a "mini-zoo", is that inevitably, animals die. Most of our parrots are rescues, or were surrendered by their previous owners for one reason or another, and some of them may live longer than we will. The chickens are much shorter lived. We adopted a few older hens over four years ago, and a few have passed since then. I would like to point out that even though I used the word "we" in the previous sentence, it should be known that I had no choice in the matter. I was the unsuspecting fool...and chicken coop builder. The idea of having chickens was schemed up by Apollo and Melanie. Those damn chickens just showed up one day and never left.

 Apollo has so much empathy and compassion for animals. I am so impressed by this 8-year-old and his love for living things. He takes care of the chickens with out being asked, retrieving eggs, filling up their water, letting us know when their food is low. He takes care of our other pets too, especially when one is sick or injured. All living things are sacred to him and I really admire that quality in him. I can't convince him to feed snails or worms to the chickens because he values their lives too.

I had hoped that the dirty little raptors would be a passing fad and before long we would be rid of them. The last thing we needed was more animals to take care of after all. My hopes were dashed when Apollo named all the hens and spent hours everyday holding and playing with them. The chickens became very tolerant of him. He even had his favorite: Penelope. She seemed to genuinely enjoy Apollo and the two of them were inseparable when in the backyard together.

For nearly 5 years, Penelope has been Apollo's sidekick and his favorite hen. She has been pulled around the yard in a wagon, ridden in an electric toy care, swung in a hammock with Apollo, rocked in a rocking chair with him, and spent hours being held by him.

Today we said goodbye to Penelope. After a couple weeks of her health deteriorating, we had to end her suffering and let her go. Apollo held her one last time and told her goodbye. He was so brave and completely understood that it was her time. We buried his little feathered friend under the persimmon tree. When I tucked Apollo in to bed tonight, we talked about our favorite memories of Penelope. The memory he shared, was sliding down the slide with her and how funny he thought it was when she pecked his eyelids on the way down.

  I asked Apollo if he was sad for Penelope. He said, "I am sad that she died, but I am happy that she is not hurting anymore. She was my friend."

  

Yosemite. July 2016

 The night takes one last deep breath, holding it with great anticipation. One moment passes. Then another. Finally, she exhales giving up her last bit of darkness. Dawn breaks.

The clicks and chatter of ravens bantering with one another, disrupt the stillness of the new day. They hop across the ground and curiously explore the campsite looking for any food that may have falling to the ground or that could have been left out from the night before.

  It's the only quiet moment for me for the entire day. As if in sync with the sun, I know Apollo and Orion will soon be stirring as they begin to wake up; full of energy and ready to take on the day. The difference is that this day, they will not be asking for tv time or screen time.

They will be asking for bike rides, waterfalls, swimming and bear hunting. Sure, it's hard to call it camping when you're lying on a mattress in an RV, but the lack of all the other creature comforts is a welcome respite from the fast paced, on demand, digital lifestyle we live at home. To see my boys so fully embrace nature as it is a part of them and a part of their normal routine is refreshing. I know that once they are awake and we start making breakfast, they will begin to ask about our day and debate what we should do first. They have given number designations to all the places we have explored in the past few days.
"I want to go to spot number one," Apollo announces.
"I want to go to spot number five, Apollo," Orion replies.
"We went to number five yesterday and we haven't been to number one in two days!"
Number designations were easier for them to remember than names like; Yosemite Falls, Vernal Falls, the swinging bridge, Glacier Point, etc.. The problem was that Melanie and I had no idea what their number system was.

 

Camping in Yosemite far exceeded my expectations for a family vacation. I have to preface that with if it was Melanie and I, we would have hiked Half Dome, 4-mile trail, and Panoramic trail, but as it stood, we had such a blast with Apollo and Orion that, we didn't feel as if we had missed out. We were busy from sunrise until well after dark.

 


 The highlight for me was hiking up Vernal falls via the mist trail. At the top of falls, the trail turns into steps carved into the granite rock. Some of the steps were too tall for Orion, and he had to climb them using his hands to pull himself up enough to get a knee on the edge and then scramble to his feet. Still, both boys made it to the top and back down on their own. The view and the lake at the top was an apt reward for our efforts.










We took advantage of the network of bike trails on the valley floor and rode our bikes everywhere to explore. We took backpacks full of food and drinks and towels and set out after breakfast every morning on the bikes. The weather was hot! In the low 100's for the length of our stay, and the nights were slow to cool of, so whenever we crossed a stream or river, we parked the bikes and took a refreshing swim and had a picnic.
 


When we booked this trip, the general consensus was that it would be too crowded for us to enjoy ourselves. I found the opposite to be true. Don't get me wrong, it was crowded, but by camping in the park, at the far end, we were sheltered from the masses. The roads into the park were closed early every morning and traffic was diverted to the village, away from the camp sites, which means, the only traffic was the buses. Some of the more popular trails and sights were crowded, however, we beat the rush by heading out early every morning and hitting the trails while most people were still having breakfast.









  I took one morning to be self indulgent, and road my bike up to the top of Glacier Point.  I sent Melanie and the boys by bus to meet me at the top, and hit the road bright and early to make the 64 mile round trip trek with 5,925' of elevation gain. The road was peaceful and the scenery was breathtaking.

 I am fortunate enough to have a wife that loves the outdoors as much as I do. We share this love and the love of nature with our boys. What they see as an adventure, we see as an opportunity to teach them to love and respect the outdoors, to see beauty in all things living, to be stewards of Mother Nature, and to care for the environment. In turn, we are rewarded by watching them pick up trash on the trail on their own accord, return animals to where they may have found them, and avoid stepping on plants as they explore. Apollo, is very sensitive to the fact that people drop trash and often asks why people litter. Orion does not think too deeply about it, but he is always excited to do his part to help.

  Wildlife is abundant in the park. You can't throw a rock without nearly hitting a squirrel, but one of my favorite memories of this trip, will be Orion yelling "SQUIRREL!!" with such excitement and enthusiasm, that you would think it was his first time seeing one. This happened at least 10 times, every...single...day..."SQUIRREL!!"

That's Christmas to me

 

The heady scents of fir trees and Greek Christmas cookies, hundreds of colored lights, wreaths, garland, and decorations for the Christmas season, fill every corner of our house. The conversations all lead back to Christmas and how many days are left, or in Orion's case, how many sleeps. The excitement was tangible. This is what I love about Christmas.

 Apollo and Orion are at the perfect age to fully embrace the spirit of Christmas and this has renewed my love for the holidays. To watch the magic of Christmas unfold through their eyes is an amazing blessing for me.

Thanks to technology, websites, and apps, we were able to mold the experience to our benefit. I found a Santa website that informed Apollo that he was almost on Santa's nice list...almost. Orion was fully vested in the nice list as he has no malice in him, only the occasional white lie. Apollo however, sure enjoys pestering Orion and pushing every button he can to elicit an adverse reaction. For the most part, Apollo did try to work his way off the naughty list. He knew that he was teetering on the edge and would slip back and forth regularly. I was thoroughly entertained with the torment and internal conflict it created for him as he struggled to be just a little bit better.

  Many of our friends with young children have an "Elf-on-a-shelf" to aid in the magic of the holidays. Not our home. When you have a house full of naughty boys, you end up with a Grinch. Our Grinch is mischievous and likes to make messes, however, if the boys manage to do good deeds throughout the day, making the Grinch's heart grow three sizes, he would leave them a little gift or treat. Each morning, I would hear Orion's feet hit the floor and he would dash through the house looking for the Grinch. Each morning was a new wave of excitement as they discovered what the Grinch did while we slept. Only one morning was met with tears (Orion's), when the grinch decided to bring pajamas instead of toys. I convinced Orion that they were not nice enough the previous day and that they would need to try a little harder if he wanted to get toys again. The plan worked.

  Apollo explained to us at Thanksgiving dinner, his favorite part of Christmas. It wasn't the presents. It wasn't the treats, nor the time off of school, not even receiving his favorite toy that he wanted on Christmas morning. For him, it is the anticipation; The building excitement that increases every day the closer it gets to Christmas, climaxing the night before as he struggles to fall asleep, as his heart races, waiting for Santa to arrive. It is so powerful for him, that it fills our home with the Christmas spirit.

We pulled out the hide-a-bed near the Christmas tree on Christmas Eve, set up the laptop with the NORAD Santa Tracker website streaming, and talked about the birth of Christ, Santa, flying reindeer, and all things Christmas. I felt the spirit of Christmas stronger that night than I have in many years. 

When I thought that things could not get any more perfect, Apollo announces, "I love you mama and dada!"
"I love you too!" Orion agreed, "I love everyone!"
"Yeah, I love everyone too!" Apollo reiterated, "and I love Santa, and our Grinch, and Jesus too!"
And in his own little sarcastic icing on the cake Apollo finished with a squeaky voice, "God bless us, everyone!"

Orion turns 5!!

Some of the best things in life come unexpectedly. You are that unexpected gift to us. 

If it were possible to capture the light and the warmth of the sun, and bottle up all that energy, that would be the closest comparison that I have to you. You are radiant, bright, and full of life.

You brought balance to our family. Your easy-going nature is a welcome contrast. Sweet? the word should have your picture next to it in the dictionary. You are kind and loving and always say, "I love you" when you feel it. You race down the hallway to give your mom a "kiss-hug" if you hear her leaving for a run. You have a way of letting people know that you love them in such a manner that it is tangible. You always let me know that you love mama the most...then me next. Sometimes I get to be on the same level as mama, but I'm usually second, but I am okay with that. You even let Apollo know that you love him, even though he pushes all your buttons constantly.

You are such a fun-loving ball of energy. You live life in the present, laugh uninhibitedly, and find humor in the smallest things.

 You are raucous, wild and loud...very loud.

  You love to cuddle, snuggle, give hugs, and still want to be held or go "up-top"(sit on my shoulders) whenever we are walking or hiking. I'm a sucker and will always indulge you even though you are more than capable of walking yourself, because I know you just want to be as close to me as possible.

You approach every moment as an adventure. You look for the good in all things. You find the fun. You look for the laughter.

 Don't get me wrong, you have your naughty side to. It's all in fun though. You like to say "potty-words" to me, even whisper them in my ears so mama cant hear you, because you know I cant help but laugh while trying not to, and while still trying to act like a parent. You like to beat me up; punch me, kick me, and jump on me, often leaping from furniture to tackle me as I walk by.

You have a way with words that is fun and endearing. You come up with descriptions of things that are amazing, when you don't know the word for them. You are a great communicator and very social. I love taking you to your moms work at the Airport Club, watching you race through the doors without me, scanning the lobby to see who is there, running up to the parents of kids that you know and asking if their son or daughter is here, then heading to the child care room to 'buzz' yourself in. You act as if you own the place.

Your smile and your laughter brighten every room.
You are so full of life and energy. You have passion. You are joy.
            
I am thankful for every moment that I get st spend with you. You are so much fun to be around.  Your gift to me is that I get to be your dad. 

  Happy 5th Birthday Orion!! I love you!

And then you turned 8!

 To say that you hold all life sacred, only casts but a small light on the truth. You embrace it, breath it in, nurture it, respect it...cherish it. 

  You find beauty and wonder in even the smallest seed as it germinates, cracks through the soil, and slowly unfurls to greet the sun. "Baby plants are so cute," you say, as you look at them in admiration.
 
You always stop and smell the flowers, "This is my new favorite color of flower. Green is my favorite color because plants are green, but flowers always surprise me with their colors."
 
  You see garden snails as unique and interesting. Moving them from the garden in the backyard to the plants in the front so the chickens don't eat them. You are fascinated by them. You handle them gently, watching them crawl across your hands and arms before carefully retiring them to their new homes.
 
I watch every morning as you get dressed and head outside to tend to your baby chicks, moving them, their food, and  fresh water to a place in the yard that you decide will be best for them that day. No-one asks you to do this. It makes me proud.

  You study and analyze everything you see. You want to discover the mechanism that makes things work. You want to know all the reasons why and you are not satisfied until you have your answers. You have a passion for everything that you do; origami, lanyards, plants, and rocks are some of your favorites. You are a self proclaimed "Rockiologist". I love the passion that drives you.

  You over-think things, but we encourage it (with guidance of course). Its who you are. You ask questions that most people don't think about...ever. You are bright and introspective. You question everything, even your mom and I. It may drive us crazy at times, but I love that about you! It proves that you are a nonconformist. You always want proof or at least you want all the evidence so you can decide for yourself.

  You are one of the funniest people that I know. I don't think that you even realize how funny you are yet. You are so quick witted. I am impressed by the things that you see, interpret, mimic, or react to. You always  know how to make me laugh.

  You are shy and reserved in public, but around family and friends you are so free and uninhibited. I have watched you slowly start to show some of who you are in public this past year, and I hope you continue to because you have so much to offer. People adore the real Apollo which you so often hide from the world.

  And then you turned 8! What a rush the years have been. Gone too quickly for my taste, yet I am excited watching you grow and change into an individual. There is never a dull moment with you. Even your mom agrees; there is only one of you. You are a challenge, yet you are a joy to be around. You are unique and adventurous. Don't ever change that. Don't settle. Don't compromise.

Every time I look at you, I feel so lucky and thankful that you are my son. I have been blessed to call you my own.

Happy 8th Birthday Apollo!! I love you.

Just Breath

  The darkness. Still. Quiet. Thoughts abound, my heart is racing, and sleep seems impossible at this point. My less than perfect hearing focuses on the labored breathing of not one, but both boys. Two completely different reasons but both equally painful for me to listen to, having been an asthma sufferer many years ago. One wheezing from congestion, the other struggling to inhale from anxiety.

   I  remember all too well the helpless feeling of being on the verge of drowning: swimming against hope in the very air that others effortlessly take in (and take for granite), yet against all desperation, there is nothing more than just enough breath in every swallow to keep you conscious. Akin to waterboarding I suppose, yet your own body is the enemy in this scenario. I would suffer 10,000 deaths of this nature so that my boys would never have to suffer one moment of feeling breathless.

  Orion's battle comes every winter. Every cold, flu, or other virus that is going around, this kid will catch and it always makes its way to his lungs. I am thankful for the medicine that gives him relief. I shutter to think of how bad he would suffer without them or how long his little body could hold out. It's the steroidal inhalers that really make the difference long term, yet it is the same culprit that turns him into "Animal Orion" as Apollo lovingly calls him. Animal is a fitting title. He becomes wilder. More aggressive, more emotional, just more of all the things he already is. Orion never complains that he cant breath well. Even when his sentences are cut short in order to catch his breath, just to finish what he is saying. He doesn't know any better. It never slows him down either. He just keeps on doing what he is doing until we give him his meds and then at the end of the day, force him to stay still long enough that he falls asleep, exhausted and weary.

  Apollo, is an otherwise very healthy kid. He seldom gets a cold or flu and when he does it is usually very mild. In mid-January, it would seem that a switch, of sorts, was flipped. Apollo may have caught a slight cough or cold, but in the space of 24 hours, he became acutely aware of his mortality. It is hard to say what the actual trigger was; the death a month earlier of our neighbor Johnny and his memorial in January (just a week before his anxiety started), my change in schedule and nights spent away from home with my new job, months of watching Orion struggle to breath, or just the long gloomy, rainy winter. Maybe it was a combination of all of these or possibly it had nothing to do with any of them. It really doesn't matter at this point. What does matter is that a part of his brain went into overdrive. He was diagnosed with anxiety.
 "Cut down on his screen time and he will be back to normal pretty quickly," said his well meaning pediatrician. Obviously he didn't know that we do not have cable. Nor did he know that during the week, the boys aren't allowed screen time. I understand that many kids are plugged in for several hours per day, but that is not our kids. Some weeks, 2 hours is all they get and often that is watching a family movie together on the weekend. I think on this one, his doctor missed the mark completely and in the process, he really missed being able to help us in any way that would offer some direction for us and some releif for Apollo.

  Melanie and I had to get creative. Internet research, talking with friends who have had children of their own suffer from anxiety, and just good ol' fashion trial-and-error. 3 months later, Apollo is doing much better. He is still battling his feelings of anxiety and still is struggling daily some weeks, but he has improved markedly. Still, he has his days and moments. We make him face his fears, meet them head on, fight them, reason and rationalize. He is winning...yet I fear this is the first round of many battles he will have to face.

  Through this battle, we have had some amazing conversations with Apollo about many things; Cancer, heart disease, DNA,viruses, and all things related to the body and health. He wants to know all the ins and outs of everything. Melanie and I have spent many hours with him showing him diagrams and reading to him about these very topics. He retains so much information and constantly processes what he learns. He is not easily placated. He wants the facts and wants to know everything about a topic.

"Can you catch cancer like a cold? Like if someone sneezes on you?" he asks, horrified at the thought, "But you said that cancer can grow and move around the body in the blood and spread to other areas, so if someone has lung cancer and they cough or sneeze in your face, aren't they spreading cancer? and cant you breath in those cancer cells and then they will start growing in your body? How do you know that can't happen? If the doctors don't know how or why cancer starts and they don't know how to stop it, then how do you know that people can't catch it from other people? How do you know that Johnny didn't get cancer from someone with cancer sneezing on him? How do you know grandpa Joe didn't get cancer from touching one of his friends that had cancer?"
  These are actual questions from my 7-year-old. His mind is far beyond where my mind was at seven and I suspect most other kids his age as well. The best we can do is help him answer the questions, redirect his emotions, breath, reason out his anxiety, and rationalize with himself. We want him to have complete control of his anxiety but at the same time, we want to nurture the part of his brain that is so introspective and analytical. Maybe a Phoenix will be born from these ashes.

  The nights have gotten better as spring has settled into our area. Orion is off his inhalers and is simply the most charming little boy that any parent can ask for. Even though the "Animal" part has gone dormant until next fall, he still likes to attack me like a wild banshee, but to everyone else, he is very sweet.

  Apollo is sleeping easier now. He still has questions and "what-if" scenarios. When sleep comes and takes him, I watch, and listen, finding comfort in the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest and soft breath. I am thankful.  A complete reversal from just a few months ago when I would watch in anguish as his chest labored for each breath. It was tight and constricted. Every third breath was almost a gasp followed by a long sigh. NO amount of reassurance from his doctor that this was "completely normal" was enough to ease my mind. He is asleep! Why do the symptoms not go away when he sleeps?

I awake most nights and find myself headed to Apollo and Orion's room. I listen in the dark. I search their peaceful faces, void of any expression or sign of worry. It's quiet now. I lean over and kiss their foreheads and often find my self whispering to them,  "Just Breath."