I started this blog for my boys, so that they may know what they mean to me, who I am, who they are, how they came to be and to tell their story through my eyes. To paint a complete picture, there are certain stories from my own life that have played a roll in who I am. If I look at my life in reverse, it is easy to trace each choice and life event from this moment, back to my youth, however, at the time each event or choice was presented to me, I could not have predicted the consequences or outcome that have shaped who I have become. I can tell you that had I known the consequences, I would have made many different choices. They irony is, I had to make some pretty specific decisions that would ultimately lead me to Melanie; the end result of course being Apollo and Orion. Had I done one of dozens of things different, I would not have been blessed with these amazing children.
I have often thought about writing some of my life experiences in this blog, and I have gone back and forth on this idea. I have decided that I will on rare occasion, present a story of an event in my life, especially when its outcome affected my path in life. The story I want to tell this day, has several subplots that I have chosen to leave out as it is not pertinent the ultimate outcome of the story. This one is all about me!
Beep........beep.........beep...... I could hear a faint and distant sound in the darkness. It continued;...beep....beep. The sound was familiar yet, I could not place it. I focused on it, listening intently, trying to find the source. It was slow and irregular. As I tried to hone in on this sound, I began to notice other noises... muffled and deeper. At this point, I was straining to make out what any of the noises were. The muffled sounds began to come in clearer. Voices! Two of them. I listened more intently now, trying to discern what they were saying. But why could I not see anything? "I must be dreaming", I thought.
I felt as if I was in that place between deep sleep and dreaming; a semiconscious state where the lines of reality are blurred by the supernatural dream world.
As I listened, the voices became clearer. It was two men talking. At first I thought they were conversing with one another, but their speech was urgent, and not directed to each other. "What are they talking about? Who are they talking about?" I was a bit confused at this point. I wanted to wake up.
"He's not responding!" Came the first voice. "I need another (?)cc's of (?), STAT!" called the second voice. "His blood pressure is dropping!" the first voice exclaimed. "We are loosing him!" called the second voice. It was at this moment, that horror and panic ripped through my body; they were talking about me! I screamed out! At least I tried to scream... but nothing happened. I could not move. "I'm here! I'M HERE!", I screamed out again, but my mouth would not move. I tried to move my hands, my arms, my legs...I was paralyzed. I felt nothing, not even pain. I could not see anything. I recognized the beeping now. It was a heart monitor. There seemed to be several long seconds between each beep. I was not dreaming. How could I let them know that I was alive and here? I began to hear additional voices, female voices. I could hear people around me moving about, metal clanking, items being shuffled. I became more and more aware of my surrounding, hearing more voices; "He is still not responding!" a male voice called out again. This time I could hear the doubt in his voice, as if he was giving up on me. I pulled every ounce of consciousness I could muster, focused it into energy, and tried to move my fingers. I could not feel my fingers move, but I knew they must have. I tried again. "Doctor, he's moving his fingers!" A female voice cried out in excitement. "If you can hear me, bend your fingers twice." a male voice commanded. Again I concentrated all my energy on my left index finger and curled it in and back out twice. "Okay, he's with us!" the voice announced. A surge of excitement filled the room. I could hear the scurrying of people moving all around me. The voices began speaking directly to me now, offering words of encouragement, "Hang in there! I need you to keep fighting!"
I felt relieved. Then came the pain. I began to feel a burning sensation in my chest. It grew. I began to feel as if my chest was being ripped open. It spread to my throat, and then up to my head. I tried to open my eyes but could not. I could feel the sensation returning to my arms, hands, and fingers, and then my legs. More questions were being asked of me. I answered by moving my finger; once for yes and twice for no. I became aware that I had something shoved up my nose. I felt something in my throat. I could not swallow. The pain increased as did the beeps on the heart monitor. I ached in every inch of my body. The mood of the room became calmer and more relaxed, and then came a voice; "Welcome back. We almost lost you."...
Over the next hour, I slowly regained control over my body. Still, I could not open my eyes. I was aware of what had happened to me, but I had no clue where I was (other than a hospital) or how I got there. I finally heard a voice that I recognized. It was a lady that I was dating (that I later married and then divorced). "How is he?" She asked. "He looks a lot worse than he is. I just wanted to caution you before you see him" a male voice replied. I heard the hospital curtain pulled back. Joanne gasped, and soon I felt her grab my hand. She begin to sob. "Was he in an accident! Why is he all bloody?" She demanded. "He was in full respiratory arrest. The paramedics had to intubate him. They could not intubate him through his mouth as there was too much inflammation, so they intubated him through the nose, and that is what caused all the blood that you see". As I listened to this, Joanne began rubbing my chest with her hand. It felt as though barbed wire was being dragged across my skin. It seemed like an eternity passed before I could gather enough strength to reach my hand up and pull her hand off of me.
It was not much longer, and my doctor showed up. I was fortunate enough that not only was he on staff at the hospital they took me to, but he was also the head of the cardio-pulmonary department. "You almost died today, Mark" he announced. By this time I was able to open my eyes and look around. Aside from feeling like I had been run over by a truck, I was starting to feel better. "Do you want to get this thing out of you?" he asked as he gestured to the tube hanging out of my nose." I nodded my head yes. He instructed me that on the count of three, he would prop me up to a sitting position, and simultaneously pull the tube out of me.
"One, Two, Threeeeee!" Up I came along with the tube that felt like it had a fish hook on the end of it, being yanked all the way up my throat, and out my nose. I was free. What struck me the most about this moment, was looking across the emergency room, only to make eye contact with two women in scrubs, which I assume were the admitting or triage nurses, by where they were located. Their faces went pale and they were looking at me as if they were looking at a dead person that had come back to life.
At the time that this happened, I was suffering from very severe asthma. Asthma aside, I was in really good shape. I ran and worked out several times a week. My asthma was always triggered by allergies or by drinking too much water on an empty stomach. As weird as that sounds, water was always the biggest trigger, as was the case this day. I had been working for a messenger service in the Los Angeles/ Hollywood area at the time. We catered, in large, to the music industry. I happened to be training a new hire that day, and he was a passenger in my car at the time. I had just finished drinking a liter of water and felt the asthma attack coming on. I was on my way to Sony records to make a drop. The company I worked for had a substation there. The asthma attack was coming on hard enough and fast enough, that I knew I was in trouble. I decided to pull over on a side street one block away from Sony. I told my passenger what was happening, and that I needed to get out of the car to get some air. As I climbed out of my car, I felt as if I was drowning. I remember thinking to myself as I was struggling to breath, "This is where I am going to die. I don't want to die here." A car came around the corner and pulled over. Everything went black.
What happened after I passed out was a bit of luck. My guardian angles were watching over me that day. The car that I saw coming around the corner as I blacked out, was an emergency room doctor on his way to work. He turned down that street for some unknown reason. He said he never went to work that way. He saw me as he turned the corner and recognized that I was in trouble. He pulled over, hopped out of his car and apparently grabbed me as I collapsed. My passenger called 911, and then ran to Sony records to alert my coworkers. My coworkers came running up to where I lay, about the same time as the paramedics arrived. The paramedics base was less than 1/4 mile away. They immediately went to work on me and after several failed attempts at trying to intubate me, the emergency room doctor took over and was able to place the tube, through my nose. The paramedics started forcing oxygen into the tube and then loaded me into the ambulance. Before they departed the scene, one of the paramedics told my coworkers that I wasn't going to make it and that they should notify my family. My coworkers later told me that I was completely blue, and not breathing when they took me away. After the ambulance departed, one of my coworkers called the main office and told the dispatcher that I had died. The dispatcher in turn, called Joanne. He didn't have the heart to tell her that I died, and only told her that I was taken by ambulance to Century City Hospital.
I spent the next few days in the ICCU. The whites of my eyes had all turned blood red from the trauma I endured. Later they faded into yellow before returning to white. Joanne and I downplayed the severity of what had happened that day to my parents and family, as we did not want to alarm them. I did not want them to see me looking that way; defeated and vulnerable. I am not sure which was worse; the trauma of the day or the ensuing plethora of steroids and inhalers that I was pumped up with, for they next few years.
I look back on it now, and I can't believe all that happened that day; all the very specific events that had to line up at the right place, at the right time. Had I turned down any other street, had I not been 1/4 mile from the paramedics or 1/2 mile from the hospital, had the e.r. doctor not turned down the street I was on, had my attack happened minutes earlier or even seconds later...if any one of these things were different that day, I would not be here. I would have never met Melanie, and Apollo and Orion would have never been.
The year was 1991. The events of this day, changed me in many ways. With out going into detail, I really changed how I was treating those who were closest to me. My self pride had been riding high, and was just taken down a few notches. I had a new found respect for others and their feelings and felt as if I could be a better person. I looked at life differently now and have a whole new appreciation for it. I was given a second chance.
I have often thought about writing some of my life experiences in this blog, and I have gone back and forth on this idea. I have decided that I will on rare occasion, present a story of an event in my life, especially when its outcome affected my path in life. The story I want to tell this day, has several subplots that I have chosen to leave out as it is not pertinent the ultimate outcome of the story. This one is all about me!
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| Me in Hawaii 1991 |
Beep........beep.........beep...... I could hear a faint and distant sound in the darkness. It continued;...beep....beep. The sound was familiar yet, I could not place it. I focused on it, listening intently, trying to find the source. It was slow and irregular. As I tried to hone in on this sound, I began to notice other noises... muffled and deeper. At this point, I was straining to make out what any of the noises were. The muffled sounds began to come in clearer. Voices! Two of them. I listened more intently now, trying to discern what they were saying. But why could I not see anything? "I must be dreaming", I thought.
I felt as if I was in that place between deep sleep and dreaming; a semiconscious state where the lines of reality are blurred by the supernatural dream world.
As I listened, the voices became clearer. It was two men talking. At first I thought they were conversing with one another, but their speech was urgent, and not directed to each other. "What are they talking about? Who are they talking about?" I was a bit confused at this point. I wanted to wake up.
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| Shark taming in the Bahama's 1990 |
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| Somewhere in Arizona 1992 |
I felt relieved. Then came the pain. I began to feel a burning sensation in my chest. It grew. I began to feel as if my chest was being ripped open. It spread to my throat, and then up to my head. I tried to open my eyes but could not. I could feel the sensation returning to my arms, hands, and fingers, and then my legs. More questions were being asked of me. I answered by moving my finger; once for yes and twice for no. I became aware that I had something shoved up my nose. I felt something in my throat. I could not swallow. The pain increased as did the beeps on the heart monitor. I ached in every inch of my body. The mood of the room became calmer and more relaxed, and then came a voice; "Welcome back. We almost lost you."...
Over the next hour, I slowly regained control over my body. Still, I could not open my eyes. I was aware of what had happened to me, but I had no clue where I was (other than a hospital) or how I got there. I finally heard a voice that I recognized. It was a lady that I was dating (that I later married and then divorced). "How is he?" She asked. "He looks a lot worse than he is. I just wanted to caution you before you see him" a male voice replied. I heard the hospital curtain pulled back. Joanne gasped, and soon I felt her grab my hand. She begin to sob. "Was he in an accident! Why is he all bloody?" She demanded. "He was in full respiratory arrest. The paramedics had to intubate him. They could not intubate him through his mouth as there was too much inflammation, so they intubated him through the nose, and that is what caused all the blood that you see". As I listened to this, Joanne began rubbing my chest with her hand. It felt as though barbed wire was being dragged across my skin. It seemed like an eternity passed before I could gather enough strength to reach my hand up and pull her hand off of me.
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| On the road to Baja. Thats my brother Gooch in the background! |
"One, Two, Threeeeee!" Up I came along with the tube that felt like it had a fish hook on the end of it, being yanked all the way up my throat, and out my nose. I was free. What struck me the most about this moment, was looking across the emergency room, only to make eye contact with two women in scrubs, which I assume were the admitting or triage nurses, by where they were located. Their faces went pale and they were looking at me as if they were looking at a dead person that had come back to life.
At the time that this happened, I was suffering from very severe asthma. Asthma aside, I was in really good shape. I ran and worked out several times a week. My asthma was always triggered by allergies or by drinking too much water on an empty stomach. As weird as that sounds, water was always the biggest trigger, as was the case this day. I had been working for a messenger service in the Los Angeles/ Hollywood area at the time. We catered, in large, to the music industry. I happened to be training a new hire that day, and he was a passenger in my car at the time. I had just finished drinking a liter of water and felt the asthma attack coming on. I was on my way to Sony records to make a drop. The company I worked for had a substation there. The asthma attack was coming on hard enough and fast enough, that I knew I was in trouble. I decided to pull over on a side street one block away from Sony. I told my passenger what was happening, and that I needed to get out of the car to get some air. As I climbed out of my car, I felt as if I was drowning. I remember thinking to myself as I was struggling to breath, "This is where I am going to die. I don't want to die here." A car came around the corner and pulled over. Everything went black.
What happened after I passed out was a bit of luck. My guardian angles were watching over me that day. The car that I saw coming around the corner as I blacked out, was an emergency room doctor on his way to work. He turned down that street for some unknown reason. He said he never went to work that way. He saw me as he turned the corner and recognized that I was in trouble. He pulled over, hopped out of his car and apparently grabbed me as I collapsed. My passenger called 911, and then ran to Sony records to alert my coworkers. My coworkers came running up to where I lay, about the same time as the paramedics arrived. The paramedics base was less than 1/4 mile away. They immediately went to work on me and after several failed attempts at trying to intubate me, the emergency room doctor took over and was able to place the tube, through my nose. The paramedics started forcing oxygen into the tube and then loaded me into the ambulance. Before they departed the scene, one of the paramedics told my coworkers that I wasn't going to make it and that they should notify my family. My coworkers later told me that I was completely blue, and not breathing when they took me away. After the ambulance departed, one of my coworkers called the main office and told the dispatcher that I had died. The dispatcher in turn, called Joanne. He didn't have the heart to tell her that I died, and only told her that I was taken by ambulance to Century City Hospital.
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| New Years Day, 1994 |
I look back on it now, and I can't believe all that happened that day; all the very specific events that had to line up at the right place, at the right time. Had I turned down any other street, had I not been 1/4 mile from the paramedics or 1/2 mile from the hospital, had the e.r. doctor not turned down the street I was on, had my attack happened minutes earlier or even seconds later...if any one of these things were different that day, I would not be here. I would have never met Melanie, and Apollo and Orion would have never been.
The year was 1991. The events of this day, changed me in many ways. With out going into detail, I really changed how I was treating those who were closest to me. My self pride had been riding high, and was just taken down a few notches. I had a new found respect for others and their feelings and felt as if I could be a better person. I looked at life differently now and have a whole new appreciation for it. I was given a second chance.
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