The gift of time

And then he turned four. I have pondered the events of the past five years this week, as Apollo's birthday was at the forefront of my mind. Five years ago, an accidental pregnancy and a subsequent miscarriage, set my life on a course that I could not have foreseen, let alone one that I had even considered. It took but one singular event, to start the dialogue and thought process that would lead to what I consider one of the greatest gifts that this life has bestowed upon me; my sons.

  I entered into fatherhood thinking about all that I had to offer my offspring. I wanted to teach them all the lessons that I had learned in life; the good and the bad. I wanted to teach them unconditional love. I wanted them to be better than me in every way. In my head I had so much of it figured out...or at least I thought I did.
  Melanie was pregnant within a couple months of us actually trying to conceive. I was thrilled when I found out, and began researching and reading about babies and their development, both in utero and in early childhood. The months seamed to drag on, and everyday I prayed that nothing would go wrong throughout the pregnancy. I longed to hold my little one in my arms. And then that day arrives. It was very surreal for me. There were no surprises. The labor and delivery went flawlessly. At 40-years-old, I became the father of my own offspring. I was as proud as any father could be.

  Over the next four years, I had many surprises. There were so many things that I did not take into account about fatherhood, and almost every one of them was a very pleasant surprise. I learned (and continue to learn) more than I have taught. I am learning so much about myself and how to be the father that I want my sons to have. I have received such an immeasurable wealth of unconditional love, that there is not a ship large enough to bear the bounty of this treasure that I now hold within my heart.
  I realize now that I was a fool to think that fatherhood was all about me and what I had to offer. Fatherhood has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with my children and what they deserve. I have had moments of panic that I am inadequate for this role, that I do not have all that it takes to be the father the my sons deserve. I am fearful that I may falter and make some huge mistake. My biggest fear is that I will some how let my boys down.

  Apollo has been an inspiration to me.  He challenges me to do better. To be better. He gives me cause on nearly a daily basis, to stop and think about my actions and how they affect him. Through him, I have found a connection deeper than any I have ever experienced. He is a part of me, and I, a part of him. He is perfection.
  I found that I was capable of a love deeper than any that I could have imagined. I have found a new purpose in life; an adventure greater than any I have previously embarked upon. I have become the pupil. I have learned to listen and watch. I have had to humble myself to accept that I am the one being taught.
  And just when I thought I had reached my limits in all that is good, along came Orion. Once again, I foolishly thought that my heart would have to be divided into two, to have room for another. I now realize that I made a serious miscalculation. My heart in fact doubled.

  I have been blessed. I realize now what an honor and a privilege it is to be a father. I strive to be the best father that I can. I am taking in every breath of every moment that I spend with these amazing boys.I have found that there is no gift that I can give my boys, that is more precious or valuable than the gift of time.
  On this your forth birthday Apollo, I offer you my love and my thanks. You have shown me more in four short years than I have seen or learned in four long decades. Thank you for teaching me what unconditional love is, for inspiring me, trusting me, and forgiving me when I have let you down. Thank you for showing me the world in a new light. Thank you for that which I cherish most; the time we spend together.
 Happy Birthday son!

Keeping it real

  

The chilly coastal winds threaten to push the fog over the green rolling hills that separates the ocean from the bay, while the warmth of the spring sun pushes back. Its a game of tug-of-war, and this day, the sun is winning. We find ourselves camping for the first time in several months. A welcomed respite from the day to day life of a working father. This is not back country tent camping, rather, load up the RV and drive to the coast with all the amenities of home brought along with you, type of camping. And yes, we love it! An RV makes camping so easy when you have little ones. I have spent many nights camping in a tent, on the ground, in a sleeping bag, in all kinds of weather and besides the amazing places you can get to by foot or canoe that a car wont carry you to, I don’t really miss it. We have been spoiled by a mattress, climate controlled environment, running hot water, etc. I am sure that when Apollo and Orion are a bit older, I will have to spend more than my fair share of nights on the ground again, but until that time, I will take all the creature comforts. 

  Not only is camping a great way to escape life for a brief time, but it is good quality family time. We have such a huge age gap from our oldest, 18 years, to our youngest, 8 1/2 months, that camping offers something for everyone. Granted, having two little ones really limits what we can do, as I know Melanie and I would be spending every waking moment of our trip exploring, we now have to tailor our activities to ones that are geared towards an infant and a 4-year-old. Besides feeling a bit inhibited at times, I am enjoying  exploring the world again, through the eyes of a toddler. Every shell becomes treasure, every creature, a pet, every sound, a new discovery, and every curiosity, a clue. 

  What I have learned from Apollo and Orion is that there is so much more going on in a child’s mind than I could have ever guessed. I am astounded on a regular basis by both my little ones. I am surprised by what they learn, know, create, imagine, and most of all...understand. I often try to imagine Apollo as an adult. There are so many clues to what his personality may be like as an adult, but there are a few traits that stand out above all the rest, that give a bit of a peak into his future and type of person that he may become. Apollo is so “aware” and always has been. He seams to have a profound ability to understand cause and affect, and to such a degree, that I often think it far exceeds that of his teenage siblings. He has the ability to anticipate the outcome of an action and the resulting reaction. Not that he won't  push his moms buttons knowing full well that she has a breaking point...he is still a toddler after all. But more to the point, Apollo is very analytical and he will think through and rationalize a problem before he has even faced it. He is also aware of his surroundings and everyone in it. Apollo always has an ever watchful eye on his baby brother, even when we think he is oblivious to everything happening around him, he will let us know in an instant when Orion has traveled outside of Apollo’s perceived ‘safety zone’. 

  Three more of his strength stand out above the others; his excellent memory, the ability to visualize, and his physical dexterity with his hands.

  What can this all mean? The fear that I have as a father, is that if left unchecked, Apollo could turn into a worrisome adult that is afraid to try new things in life because he understands the risk involved. On the other hand, I imagine the endless possibilities that his gifts may present him. I can see Apollo becoming anything in life that he wants to be. I earnestly hope that he realizes his full potential in any path he chooses in life, and first and foremost that he can find and maintain happiness along the way. 

  

  As for Orion, we are watching all his little personality traits develop and grow. Some of his best traits thus far are his radiant smile, adorable laughter, and laid-back demeanor. He is curious, active, playful and very affectionate. It is hard at this point to guess what he will be like as an adult, however, I hope he stays as charming and happy as he is now, throughout his entire life. Developmentally, Orion is ahead of the game in many ways. He is very mobile and agile as well as very strong. He is not walking on his own yet, but he will grab on to anything that slides, and will walk around the house pushing it to go anywhere he wants to go. He is climbing on to things and getting into things. I love how active this little guy is, but I have to say that some of my favorite moments with Orion is when he is falling asleep on my chest, especially if I am singing to him. a I can tell by the way he presses his ear to my chest, that he is trying to listen and that he is comforted by the sound of my voice. 

  Apollo has reached the end of his 3rd year. He is so excited to be 4-year-old, and is trying to be more independent. It is a very fun transitional phase, especially since he is so eager to be a big boy. I love watching him lift Orion from the floor and waddle with him in his arms, using all his might, to move his baby brother across the room. It is sure to get all three of us laughing evertime. I am honored to be the father of such fine little men. I can not believe what an impact Apollo and Orion have made on my life, these four short years.  One of the memories I will cherish most from the end of Apollo's third year, is being reminded to keep it real. On my way out the door to return to work after lunch this week, Apollo stopped me. "Dada! Come here!" He climes down from the bar stool where he was seated at the counter finishing his lunch, and runs across the room towards me, "We forgot to hug!" I scoop him up in my arms, and embrace him, "Remember dada, your never too old to hug."

Potty words and the letter "Q"

  As a parent, fewer things are more precious than a sleeping baby. Even more precious when it is at night, and they stay sleeping. (Of course Melanie will tell you that I have no clue about this topic since I will sleep in Apollo's room on really bad nights). You love every waking moment with your children, but when they finally decide it is nap time, and they crawl up into your arms, and succumb to the overpowering will of sleep, there is a certain part of you that is melted with a wealth of emotion. You feel a sense of pride, compassion, love, joy, nurturing...it is hard to describe, however, it is one of the most rewarding moments in your day. I love to look upon their sweet, sleeping faces, and study every part of them; every line and every curve.
   When both boys are awake, you can almost feel the earth quake in discontent as the stillness that was nap time, is replaced with chaos, crying, laughter, and the shrill screams of a toddler and his nearly 4-year-old brother, (competing with our parrots for the most decibels, apparently). It gets a little crazy at times around here, especially when there are other little kids visiting. I must admit that there are times that I come home from work, walk through the front door, and for a brief moment, I almost turn around and walk back out before I am noticed. Okay, I am mostly kidding, but when there is 2 or 3 extra kids in the house and they are all running around screaming at the top of their little lungs, it does cross my mind. Still, with fingers inserted in my ears, I enter the realm of total day care hell and alas, it does put a smile on my face to see the sheer joy on their innocent little faces.

  The warmth of springtime is settling into wine country. Rain showers are passing through fairly regularly now. The rain falling outside the open window in still of the night, is one of my favorite sounds. The smell of cedar, moss, redwood, and earth, are stirred up by the rain and hang on the soft breeze that brushes gently past my face. I can feel everything around me coming to life after its long winter slumber. Change is in the air.
     Speaking of change, both boys are changing right before our eyes. Orion is starting to grow some hair. He is very alert and will fight sleep if there is anything going on around him. He does not want to miss anything. Orion is an adventurer at heart, and in the short times between being Velcro'ed to Melanie, he explores every part of the house that his little limbs will carry him to. He is such a light hearted baby. Full of laughter and smiles. He giggles at everything.
  It is not all sugar coated though. Orion has a bit of the ginger gene in him and can be forcefully demanding. He is more of a protestor than a complainer. He will let you know if he is not getting what he wants. Orion is also very sweet and affectionate. He loves to cuddle when he is tired and will reward you with smiles and humming while he lays his head on your chest. He can also be very shy, and will turn his head away when strangers look at him, and then he will slowly peak back with a smile on his face to see if they are still looking.

   Apollo is becoming more enjoyable by the day. He has been developing some very good manners and really understands that some words are bad and shouldn't be used in front of others. Melanie, at Apollo's prompting, has set a precedence for the use of "potty" words. They are only to be used in the "potty" room. I can tell you that there are some very colorful words that come out of the bathroom during bath time, and they are almost always followed by laughter. "FART! Hahahaha!...mama is a fart 'meller! HAHAHA!", "I gotta take a p-p-p-p-p-po-FART! AAAHahahaha!", "Mama? Whats your favorite t.v. show?" he will then talk in a high pitched girl voice, "Back-FART-agains!" ( a reference to Back Yardagains, cartoon) "Hahahaha! Dada! Get your BUTT in here! I'm done with my bath! hahahaha!" That is some of the "G-rated" words.

 I won't list any of the really bad words here, but there are a few words he discovered on his own by repeating words he heard his mom and I use, and then put the wrong inflection and emphasis in the right place. We tried to not react to his misuse of these words, but he enunciated them so well, that we had to point it out to him and ask him to not use these words. You can use your imagination and figure it out. The words he can only say in the "potty" room now are; infection and affection....And yes, we have heard him say these words phonetically and enunciating deliberately, in the bath.
  Outside of the bathroom, Apollo is the first one to point out that someone has said a "potty" word. It can be something as simple as "stupid". "Hey! We don't say that word!" At least he understands what is socially acceptable and what is not, and has all but refrained from using any foul language in public...at least for now.
  What impresses me the most about Apollo is his ability to visualize. Apollo believes that if you are going for a drive or a walk, you have to have a destination. He gets upset if you take him for a walk without going to the park or to the store. On a recent walk around the neighborhood, we had a discussion about walking just to walk; to be outdoors and get some fresh air. Apollo was quiet for a moment and I could see that his wheels were turning. "Dada", he began, "when we go for a walk and we only go back to the house, we are making the letter 'O', but when we go somewhere, and then go back to the house, we are making the letter 'Q'." I was blown away by his assessment, and was left all but speechless. Apollo continued, "Dada, I like to make the letter 'Q' when we walk."