51

If I'm being honest, he's been there my entire life; hiding in the shadows...in the corners...in my dreams. In my youth, he had no form beyond the darkness  and the random sounds in the night. I learned to ignore him in my post-pubescent, testosterone driven, invincibility years, but I know he was still there lurking in the shadows. While I ignored him, I feared him most in those years, feeding him all the energy that he needed to start to take shape. I was in my early 20's when I first saw him clearly. He saw fit to show me that I was indeed mortal, reaching his long tendril like hands around my chest and squeezing the very air from my lungs, watching the terror in my eyes as the world faded to black.
 At some point I made my peace with him and began to fear him less as the years passed. Still, he was there. Always watching, always following close behind. I often saw him out of the corner of my eye, following me out of the plane in my skydiving years. I think he loved skydiving as much as I did. I always imagined him smiling as the ground rushed up to meet us.
Now, I see him when I look over my shoulder checking for cars in the road, when i'm on my bike. He's on a bike of his own, black robes billowing in the wind behind him, peddling hard to keep up. I admittedly will peddle harder at times to make sure he doesn't get any closer. He's always there with the first glance but gone when I look again, yet I know he is still there; following, waiting, biding his time.
  Macabre as it may sound to speak of death in such a manner, I don't see his presence as a dark omen. Just a simple reminder of my mortality and how short and precious and delicate this life is. I've made it more than half a century on this earth and I hope to find several more decades before my time is up. While I may not fear death himself, I am not ready to submit to his final voyage either. I want to continue to walk my young boys into adulthood, watch their successes, help them get up after their failures, watch them become men and start families of their own. I want to explore more of this world and see as much of her beauty as I can and hopefully do it with Melanie by my side, while I still have the strength within my bones to do so.
  My mantra in my youth was once, "You only live once!" In my older years, it has changed to, "You only die once, but you live every day."
 I am grateful for another year. Too many friends have not been so lucky to make it this far. Every year, a couple more friends take that final journey. Some never saw it coming, others knew and fought the good fight to the end, and then there are those who succumbed to a period of immense sorrow and loneliness and chose to end their suffering on their own. For some, their time ended in throws of doing what they loved...I count them as the fortunate ones. For all of them, I grieve and because of them I choose to live everyday. While time and money may limit my ability to travel and explore the world on a daily basis, I still look for and find something every day that reminds me how beautiful this life is.  God willing, I will never feel the touch of the grim reapers cold grip upon my heart or ravaging tendrils eating my body from the inside, or stealing my memories and my dignity over time. I hope to see him following behind for many years. When alas, plagued by old age, my body says, "enough is enough." I will then greet my old friend Mr Reaper and let him take me to a tropical paradise where I will patiently await the ones left behind to live their own long and fulfilling lives.