I can't believe it has been over a month since my last post. I have tons to write about and I have attempted to write on many occasions, however, with the longer days, and two young children that are always on the go, it is hard to get a free moment to write a few paragraphs. I will finish up a post I started on fathers day and I hope to have a few more posts this month to make up for my lack of posts in June. ~~~
Fathers Day. I never really stopped to think about the significance of what it meant to be a father. Not that I did not spend a large amount of time weighing the pros and cons of fatherhood, because I did do that, but the great amount of sacrifice and greater amount of responsibility that I now realize comes with fatherhood, weighs heavy upon me. It is so easy, in most cases, to create life...to become a father, whether by choice or by accident. But, it is what we do with those lives that we created, that will build our legacy.
Recently, a friend of mine passed away. Quite unexpected was his passing, and being but a few years older then I, it has left me to ponder many times into the wee hours of the morning, my own mortality and how that would affect Apollo and Orion. You can plan, make preparations, make back up plans...it really doesn't matter; at some point your time comes, and in an instant, everything changes. It pains me to think of my boys growing up without one of their parents. It is with this in mind that I approach the way I interact with my little ones. I try to envision how their last memory of me would be if this moment with them, were to be my last. I always try to leave things on a positive note. I always want to be their hero.
I have had my fair share of loved ones pass away. For every departure, a scar remains, concealed only by the passing of time, yet deep inside, the wounds have never fully healed. I do my best to honor my dearly departed and I hope that I represent them well.
As a 4-year-old, Apollo most likely does not have a full understanding of death, however, he understands a great deal and probably to a greater degree than I did at that age. He has had to watch some of our pets leave us, as well as wild critters (bug, mammal, fish, and fowl) that we have happened to encounter. We also discuss with Apollo about our loved ones that have departed this world. It is our way to honor their memory and keep them alive and also to keep our sons connected to their ancestors so that they will know where they come from. Apollo happened to be at his great grandpa Joe's house for the last two weeks of his life. At 20-months-old, Apollo does not remember this, however, he does remember his great grandpa. We show him pictures from time to time and talk to him about his great grandpa Joe, in hopes to keep his memories of him intact.
It has been a few months since we have talked about Grandpa Joe, so you can imagine my surprise when Apollo approached me one day and proclaimed, "Dada, I want to go that big house by our snow house* to see grandpa Joe. I want him to see how big I got."
I had to fight back the tears as a lump formed in my throat. This comment lead to a great conversation with Apollo about life and death.
"Did grandpa Joe go to doggie heaven or people heaven?" Apollo asked.
"Well," I explained, "they are kind of the same place. But you have to be very special to get into doggie heaven, because only the best people are entrusted with looking after animals. I am pretty sure that Grandpa Joe is in doggie heaven right now taking care of Lucy, Nokia, and Diego (our dogs)."
"And Harold (our cockatoo), too?" he asked.
"Yup," I assured him, "and Harold too!"
"I want to go there and see him (Grandpa Joe)." Apollo replied.
"Yeah, thats not gonna happen until your at least a hundred-years-old!"
As you can imagine, this opened up another, longer dialogue about growing old. It is in these moments that I realize my roll as a father is multi-faceted. I am a teacher, mentor, spiritual advisor, playmate, friend, and protector. These are some pretty big shoes to fill and at times I hardly feel worthy of such an honorable roll. As I stumble my way through fatherhood, I am constantly reminded of how lucky I am to stand where I am standing; whether it is Orion falling asleep in my arms or Apollo asking me endless questions about the world around him, I know that I am doing my best to build my own legacy.
(The last photo is Apollo with Grandpa Joe, Thanksgiving Day, 2008)
* Apollo refers to our home in Bend, Oregon as "our snow house". "that big house" is Grandpa Joe's house in Madras, OR.
Fathers Day. I never really stopped to think about the significance of what it meant to be a father. Not that I did not spend a large amount of time weighing the pros and cons of fatherhood, because I did do that, but the great amount of sacrifice and greater amount of responsibility that I now realize comes with fatherhood, weighs heavy upon me. It is so easy, in most cases, to create life...to become a father, whether by choice or by accident. But, it is what we do with those lives that we created, that will build our legacy.
Recently, a friend of mine passed away. Quite unexpected was his passing, and being but a few years older then I, it has left me to ponder many times into the wee hours of the morning, my own mortality and how that would affect Apollo and Orion. You can plan, make preparations, make back up plans...it really doesn't matter; at some point your time comes, and in an instant, everything changes. It pains me to think of my boys growing up without one of their parents. It is with this in mind that I approach the way I interact with my little ones. I try to envision how their last memory of me would be if this moment with them, were to be my last. I always try to leave things on a positive note. I always want to be their hero.
I have had my fair share of loved ones pass away. For every departure, a scar remains, concealed only by the passing of time, yet deep inside, the wounds have never fully healed. I do my best to honor my dearly departed and I hope that I represent them well.
As a 4-year-old, Apollo most likely does not have a full understanding of death, however, he understands a great deal and probably to a greater degree than I did at that age. He has had to watch some of our pets leave us, as well as wild critters (bug, mammal, fish, and fowl) that we have happened to encounter. We also discuss with Apollo about our loved ones that have departed this world. It is our way to honor their memory and keep them alive and also to keep our sons connected to their ancestors so that they will know where they come from. Apollo happened to be at his great grandpa Joe's house for the last two weeks of his life. At 20-months-old, Apollo does not remember this, however, he does remember his great grandpa. We show him pictures from time to time and talk to him about his great grandpa Joe, in hopes to keep his memories of him intact.
It has been a few months since we have talked about Grandpa Joe, so you can imagine my surprise when Apollo approached me one day and proclaimed, "Dada, I want to go that big house by our snow house* to see grandpa Joe. I want him to see how big I got."
I had to fight back the tears as a lump formed in my throat. This comment lead to a great conversation with Apollo about life and death.
"Did grandpa Joe go to doggie heaven or people heaven?" Apollo asked.
"Well," I explained, "they are kind of the same place. But you have to be very special to get into doggie heaven, because only the best people are entrusted with looking after animals. I am pretty sure that Grandpa Joe is in doggie heaven right now taking care of Lucy, Nokia, and Diego (our dogs)."
"And Harold (our cockatoo), too?" he asked.
"Yup," I assured him, "and Harold too!"
"I want to go there and see him (Grandpa Joe)." Apollo replied.
"Yeah, thats not gonna happen until your at least a hundred-years-old!"
As you can imagine, this opened up another, longer dialogue about growing old. It is in these moments that I realize my roll as a father is multi-faceted. I am a teacher, mentor, spiritual advisor, playmate, friend, and protector. These are some pretty big shoes to fill and at times I hardly feel worthy of such an honorable roll. As I stumble my way through fatherhood, I am constantly reminded of how lucky I am to stand where I am standing; whether it is Orion falling asleep in my arms or Apollo asking me endless questions about the world around him, I know that I am doing my best to build my own legacy.
(The last photo is Apollo with Grandpa Joe, Thanksgiving Day, 2008)
* Apollo refers to our home in Bend, Oregon as "our snow house". "that big house" is Grandpa Joe's house in Madras, OR.
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