My top 11 things I have learned as a father. (5 1/2 year in)

In honor of Labor Day, I thought that I would compile a list from my favorite labor of love; being a father. The top 11 things I have learned as a father in the past five and a half years. Maybe the more appropriate heading would be the top 11 unanswered questions I never knew I would want to have answered.

  I naively thought that  the mysteries of all things baby would be revealed to me with each passing day as I gained experience as a father. Much like the answers to a crossword puzzle, one answer should have provided clues to the next answer. Somehow, having babies  around, has left me with two questions to every one that is answered. And having a second child has done nothing to change this, but only confirm that the questions that remain are not anomalous to my experience with one child, rather it has confirmed to me that there are some serious mysteries that need to be solved. What I have been left with now is more questions than answers. These are my top 11.

1. How can a baby poop out twice his body mass in one movement? Some days, the cumulative sum has to equal their body weight!
2. As disgusting as changing your owns kids diapers can be, why is that other kids diapers are so much worse? Maybe it's just me. Okay, I confess that I have never changed the diaper of any child other than my own, however, in my defense, I am certain that the uncontrollable gaging and eminent vomiting would get in the way.
3. Why does the word "No" induce an instant seizure like convulsion?   Sometimes I like to say it just to see the reaction. And I am not only talking about my wife! Apollo and Orion's reaction is almost as bad as their mom's!  I am still fascinated by this after all these years.
4. Why is pulling a whole spool of dental floss out of its container so stimulating for a toddler, even after the 20th time? This deserves three consecutive no's. "No! NO! NOOOOOO!" (This produces real tears, unlike #3 above.)
5. No matter how many toys that you get rid of, why does it never seem like there are any less? Seriously! I know we load up big boxes of toys and donate them, but I still cant find that freed-up space I am sure was left behind.
6. I did the math. In 2.5 years of diapers and wipes, that is about $5,000. Although I would much rather have the $5,000 in my pocket, it is still not enough money to make me want to use cloth diapers. I have seen what comes out of these little guys. No amount of bleach can erase it from my memory let alone reused cloth! why would anybody still do cloth diapers in this day and age? 
7. How many wipes does it take to clog a toilet? I don't know this answer yet, but my 2-year-old always answers "Four!" when I ask him. It sure looks like a whole lot more than four to me.
8. Why do my sons think that Hersey's syrup is called milk? Melanie, you should weigh in on this one. All I know is that real, pure, white, whole vitamin D enriched milk, is received with a gag reflex, and it best be in a sealed sippy-cup as it is often returned via airmail.
9. How do they make baby, toddler and children's clothing and shoes shrink all on their own? Honestly, you can put some thing on them one day and it is falling off of their body. You remove it, put it away without washing it, pull it out a week later and its too short! I should have bought stock in Keen or something.
10. Why is it my turn to put the baby to sleep again? Oh thats right, this 2 1/2 hour long process must  be because of my genes. The fact that my boys like to stay up late and wake up early has to be my fault. Melanie likes to remind me that Ian and Aden were sleeping 14 hours straight at six weeks old (and continue to do so at 18 and 20 years old respectively).
11. Sex? Whats that? See #10 above. If you have a wife like mine that values sleep above anything else, and offspring like mine that like to stay up until 11:00pm, I would highly recommend a live-in nanny, or possibly a grand parent that can tend to the children after 9:00pm. It is a race around here to get both kids to sleep before Melanie checks out for the night. There is a higher probability for thunder showers in Santa Rosa on a regular basis than kids falling asleep early here.